In his defense, Mark Regnerus (whose work I'm very fond of) is clear that he doesn't mean "teen marriage" which is still a huge predictor of divorce. He is talking about marrying in the early 20s (20-24) which has become quite abnormal in the late 20th/early 21st centuries. The median age for marriage for women is 26 and for men 28 and I'm guessing that number is based on the 2000 census and continuing to rise. And he is right to point out that the age at which one marries is never the cause for divorce.*
Regnerus emphasizes that the church and Christian families need to do more to be supportive of marriage. Amen! He suggests a more comprehensive approach than merely encouraging abstinence among youth. It is time to start helping them prepare to marry. I agree, though I would be very cautious about how this is done.
He also points out that the immaturity of young Christian men is a real problem in marriages and in the delaying of marriage. He points out the dilemma that women find themselves in as they wait for a godly, grown up to come along and instead find "the pool of available men is hardly the cream of the crop-and rarely chaste." (And all my single women friends are yelling "AMEN!") I can't even tell you the number of times I've turned to Mike and said "I'm so glad I found you because that's what's out there."
And while Regnerus is right that we shouldn't just encourage abstinence, he almost gives up that abstinence is possible as we wait longer and longer to marry. I will agree that it is certainly hard, but for many of us who want to obey God and enter into chaste relationships in the future, it is possible, albeit with God's grace. And I can site dozens and dozens of examples that indicate that it is indeed possible to live a chaste life.
And while Regnerus came at this from a sociological perspective, I have to view this information as a parent. And yes, many Christian parents push their children to finish school, establish themselves in their professions, and be older when they make the critical decision to marry. I think they do so for good reasons that have perhaps gone awry. Many have divorced themselves or watched friends and family divorce from pressures that seemed to result from financial instability, immaturity, etc.... But I doubt family pressure is what is making most young people wait. My parents certainly didn't tell me I couldn't marry young. (And my mother tried to discuss this article with my brother for whom it is too late to marry young.) I didn't necessarily say I wouldn't marry in my early 20s either though I knew I wasn't ready at 20 or 21 and I was very mindful that I wanted to get a college degree prior to marriage. Mainly, I looked at the lives of a few friends who married early and made poor decisions and my parents' friends who were divorced and broken, and realized the magnitude of the decision. And yes, my door wasn't being beaten down with proposals of marriage (though I could have said "yes" to a lot of second dates if I had been interested).
So what's a person to do? Well, first of all, the church and Christian parents need to encourage their children (particularly their sons) to grow up. Seeking to introduce them to Jesus and cultivate a love for the things of God should be first and foremost. But beyond that, there is an epidemic of young men in their late teens and in their 2os that are still having their lives financed by their parents and who may stay at home for the rest of their lives if they aren't kicked out the door and shown the real world. Even if that means that they have to experience the results of their own immaturity. (Better let them hit some problems now than marry and do it then.) We need to do a better job helping men understand that women are people and that marrying someone who looks like Jessica Alba may not be their destiny. Nor even desirable. All of this is a huge challenge because our culture will fight us at every turn.
Secondly, parents should be accepting of the imperfections of potential mates of their children and remember they weren't so perfect at 20 either. I've really enjoyed watching The Cosby Show as a parent and being amazed at how Cliff and Clair Huxtable lovingly help bring about growth in Elvin, their future son-in-law. He enters the show, completely immature, saying stupid things all the time. Cliff can't stand the guy until Clair reminds him of all the stupid things he used to say and how much her father thought he was a giant loser. As parents we have to be discerning of the differences between character defects and immaturity.
Thirdly, if parents make a financial commitment to paying for college, they shouldn't change the terms if a child gets married. I think this one has changed over the last generation. College is a HUGE financial investment and doesn't promise a lucrative position upon graduation anymore. Most parents will struggle to merely help with college, but thrusting all that responsibility on a young couple may put additional strain on their relationship. I'm not big on the idea of helping with living expenses, other than maybe a one-time gift of a car or down payment. The couple has to learn how to budget and work out their economic priorities together and parent bail outs just postpone the inevitable. But punishing a child who is ready to marry before they graduate by pulling their parental financial aid is not going to encourage chastity, nor does it seem loving.
Fourth, parents, pastors and churches need to stand firmly committed to preparation for marriage as a prerequisite. I'm still appalled at how many pastors will marry couples because they seem nice and counsel them with a reading list and a few DVDs. Parents should offer to help pay for a wedding AFTER the couple has completed comprehensive pre-marital counseling. Churches should have high standards for who marries in their communities. Community marriage policies work. Determining a good match and setting realistic expectations are critical to marital happiness.
Fifth, parents need to talk with their children about sex. OFTEN. Starting when they are young. I'm still baffled at how many parents I know who think their kids know nothing about sex when they themselves did at their age. Kids are pretty bright and they have access to more information (think about the internet) than ever before. If you want them to have realistic expectations and a moral understanding of the place sex has in their lives you better start talking before they interact with others outside your family. I was in school less than month before it came up. (And your kids don't have to go to school for them to find out about it.) If our children are going to have a hope of maintaining chaste lives before and after marriage, they need continual instruction to combat all the misinformation and distorted values they will encounter at every turn.
For most, I think early marriage is going to be unrealistic. I can simply look at the lives of myself and my peers to know it isn't that easy to find someone. But I did come away after reading this, with a better understanding of how to encourage my children and the youth in my church to better prepare themselves for marriage so if the right person comes along, they are ready. And I think (I hope) that if one of my children comes home wanting to marry at 20, that I'll not react negatively and will instead support that decision. It isn't my natural instinct. But, Regnerus is right.
"The importance of Christian marriage as a symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his people—and a witness to the future union of Christ and his bride—will only grow in significance as the wider Western culture diminishes both the meaning and actual practice of marriage. Marriage itself will become a witness to the gospel."
*Regnerus points out five reasons that marrying younger can be linked to divorce:
1) Economic insecurity
2) Immaturity
3) A poor match
4) Marrying for sex
5) Unrealistic expectations
And all of which can be factors even in older couples.
7 comments:
Jonathan and I were just talking about this last night. I think that the biggest problem is that we've seen a lack of parents teaching their boys to be men in the last dozen years or so. As a mother of two boys I definitely feel a responsibility to train them to be MEN (and not at 25, 26, 27, etc.). More like 17,18,19. Men with known direction for their life and ability to go and DO it.
I think we've seen a sad lack of leadership from males and females rising up and confusing issues.
So yes, a reformation is in order and all the points you made are very good and solid (and I agree with them) and those with young boys should take note because it's our responsibility to turn the tide.
Perhaps it should be called supply-side marriage support: Parents doing their best to get their children ready for marriage, but holding off on the nagging. It is one of our goals to have our children capable of supporting a family by twenty or so, whether through accelerating higher education or pursuing an alternative path. That way if they want to get married, years of education won't stand in their way. And ditto with basic life skills.
This was extremely interesting to read and to hear your commentary on the subject as well! We are reformed Pres., and I don't actually know a lot about the Christian sub-culture that I'm about to comment on, so keep in mind that I may sound like a complete idiot. It is wholeheartedly unintentional.
When I hear the term "Christian marriage" coupled with the word "young", my mind immediately jumps to: courtship, betrothal, marriage and first baby on the way, usually all within a year, where the girl barely clears 20 and the young man either is a year or so older, or several years older. Both usually without a college education (or at least a "formal" college education) and not the least bit worldly. (Which isn't in and of itself a bad thing, but I mean it in more of the general sense.) I guess it goes without saying that my husband and I, while conservative, traditional Christians in the general sense, are not of the parent-initiated courtship mindset and are fairly complete newbies at understanding that angle of Christian marriage.
My question(s) is/are: does this culture play into the "problems" of Christian marriage, in your mind as well as the emotional immaturity of both parties and the others listed? What role(s) should parents play and what are the limitations? Should Christians be brought up thinking marriage is necessary and to strive for it with any means possible?
I only have two small children at this point, younger than yours even, and I'm SO in over my head with all of this! I realize that maybe the sub-section of Christianity I am mentioning here is perhaps not as pervasive as I think, but wow - you see it everywhere. I feel like either Christians are "of this world" completely and irrevocably or else they are so far removed from it that they are like a small island unto themselves. What's a good middle ground?!?! Argh! ;-)
Amanda-The subculture of Christians you're referring to do typically encourage young marriage. However, Mark Regnerus is a Ph.D. and the Christianity Today audience is a lot more balanced. He strongly advocates for parents to pay for their children's college educations, while the patriarchal subculture you're referring to doesn't really encourage higher education, especially for women. And nowhere in the article did he tie in the ability to have more offspring if one married younger. The article didn't refer or assume children would come at any point, let alone immediately thereafter.
Now your questions: I think the culture (we'll just call it that) you're referring to, can create some problems, but not always. The coming-of-age males and females that have been raised in this culture have varying levels of maturity, and some are not fully spiritually vested in it but going along with their parents. Typically they have strong support systems though that can help them mature, IF they don't conclude that their decision (to marry) was forced on them by their parents or the result of not having all the information they needed. They typically don't have all the baggage that comes with modern relationships, which is good, but if they haven't recognized it as good, it can be a problem later. Some have never thought about it and wake up married with kids wondering what life in a college dorm would have been like (perhaps over-idealizing it), a date with someone else, etc....
Patriarchal parents can be very overreaching and more into telling their kids what they believe than interacting. (This can be a product of having so many children it is hard to engage in routine life discussions regularly with each personally.) Some are better than others at letting go and helping their offspring find their gifts/talents/dreams. Others can be controlling. In their defense, they are probably overreacting to a culture that tends to offer no parental guidance in the late teens/early 20s and assumes it is best for this age group to find their way sans guidance.
To your last question...I think not. But the "culture" tends to focus on "be fruitful and multiply" and try to model Old Testament Jewish culture instead of Paul's statement that if possible, it is better not to marry. I think in our society, for practical reasons, and also as a symbol of Christian love and Christ and His church, marriage is going to be a more likely path. But one of my personal challenges is raising my children so they can be content as single people, or as married, wherever life takes them.
I have more to say but I'll make it another post soon.
Carrie - I'd even suggest that boys should be taught to be men at even a younger age - such as the 13 years old in the Jewish culture. I know my Dad always spoke of me being a "man" and training me to be a man, husband, and father even at that early of an age.
It does something for a young man's feeling of worth, understanding of responsibility, and view of the future when he is told that his thoughts matter and his actions have consequences.
Too prevalent in our society is a laissez faire attitude by parents that "boys will be boys" or "kids just do that" when it is unacceptable to permit the behavior going on. Then the boys never grow up, and by the time they hit 17, 18+ it's too late.
Mark can "no longer marry young." Ouch.
I'm going to make a seemingly contradictory argument. while men in particular and everyone generally are not as mature and responsible at a young age, life can be lived much longer and fuller and rushing to marriage young sometimes overlooks that.
In America, you can live a fuller life and accomplish more things after forty than the average citizen throughout most of history. Quality of living and life expectancy have risen (with the health care debate going on it should be shown that despite our health care faults, if you remove prenatal and infant deaths in america, we'd be at the top of the class for life expectancy).
Christians in general and young ones in particular should be encouraged to live life to its fullest. Commit to doing things of importance. Work at a young age to save for college, be a missionary for a few years, or create mission work in your own backyard. Be leaders.
While an interesting discussion, marrying early is not the issue. The general lack of salt is what scares the living daylights out of me (by boring me to death).
Many christians either lack moral character or lack adventure. Either one translates into bland.
Whether Bachelor Paul or Married Peter, we need bold leaders, and we need to develop them at younger ages. We need to take the Timothy's under our wings and make them want to fly solo.
But instead we have a passive brand of Christianity that encourages mediocrity.
Life does not start at 21. Nor does it end at 40.
It ends when you no longer have the enthusiasm to make an impact.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Rachelle. Interesting article! I agree that the Christian community needs to encourage boys to become men who are willing to take responsibility in due time.
I never thought I'd be interested in marrying young but then it just happened and I knew it was right. Looking back, I wouldn't change anything for the world. Whether young or not, you should always have the satisfaction of knowing you married the right one for you.
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