A Kind Wife (13)

I read this post today: http://gracefullmama.com/a-kind-wife-2/ and while I'm not this Southern wife, I am married to a man with the same priorities. Which is a gift!

In the next couple of stressful weeks, I'm holding this in my heart as I focus on being the person he wants to be with through it all. And honestly, it makes the work so much easier!

Time Flies

When you are having fun! And time is flying. We celebrated 9 years today. These are busy, exhausted years but they are good ones and we are blessed to have found each other.

I was told before I was married that I would love him more and more everyday. I couldn't imagine loving him more then. But it is true. I do love him more everyday. Our love is a gift to us. And a gift to our children.

We watched a family movie this week in which the parents were divorced. Kyrie asked as the children were leaving their dad's house, "Why don't they live there?" And I realized she has no concept of children who have two living parents and don't live with both. (She has figured out one of us could die and that is her fear.)  I'm glad we are able to give our children the security of two parents who love each other faithfully.

Oh Valentine

My Valentine's was superb. Some highlights:

I always think Mike might settle down and be practical for a change. I'm always wrong.

On our honeymoon in Rome I discovered that blood red oranges go nicely in pasta. Very Valentiny too.

Ben's art/science/history project: Sugar cookie Byzantine cross painted with egg tempura paint (food coloring & egg yolk)

Oh, the Folly of Wives

I saw a photo of Gisele Bundchen talking to Tom Brady after the Super Bowl and thought, wow, she looks like a German frau and not a supermodel. Yes, a pretty German frau, but a wife, not an underwear model. I'd glanced over headlines like this one: Gisele Bundchen reportedly asks friends and family to pray for Tom Brady and felt a little bad for her, that the news media was creating a media frenzy over a perfectly normal request.

And then the Patriots lost the Super Bowl and Gisele was overheard blaming the Pats receivers and all media hell broke loose. Now even a Giants' running back has joined in and given Gisele some good advice: "Shut up." I hope for the sake of her husband's career and her marriage and peace of mind, she can follow that advice. Because it isn't always easy advice to follow.

I am also an opinionated wife, predisposed to say too much, and to turn into a Rottweiler when I think my husband is undervalued, overworked, or just not properly appreciated.  (And that is perhaps where any similarities between Mrs. Brady and me end.) And I'm not the only one. I don't know very many wives who think their husbands are paid enough (though I hope Gisele knows better), don't work hard enough, or are appreciated for their full merit.

We may at times be right. But the best advice I have for Gisele, expanding on Brandon Jacobs, is the advice I think all wives should benefit from: be careful, very careful when you weigh in on your man's career. There is a time and a place to work together and make decisions about his livelihood (and yours), but the best support you can give is to believe in him as a person and supporting and trusting him to look out for himself out there.

I'm always honored when my husband asks for my advice on something he's written or a situation at work. I hope he keeps asking. I suspect he will if I can always remember that mine is just one piece of advice. He can compile it with others and make a decision, sometimes a decision that runs contrary to what I said. Likewise, I ask him for advice on work I'm doing knowing him to be wise and knowledgeable. But in the end, the decision has to be mine because I'm accountable for the results.

Somehow, I don't think Gisele knows best how to do Tom Brady's job and in a less heated moment she would know the Patriots' receivers wanted to catch those balls. She's just being a wife.

How Christmas Teaches Me I Will Never Be Enough (and That's Okay)

I come from a family that is modest about gifts and famous for agreeing not to give gifts. I married into a family that really DOES Christmas. Every year I try to remember that I'm dealing with major Christmas lovers here....And every year, I'm outdone.

My family likes ease-gift bags. My husband wants to wrap everything and will come home with four rolls of Christmas wrap.

This year, we bought each other Groupon gifts. I printed the certificates and put them in a plain white envelope. He printed a description, and gift-wrapped it. And this after telling me he was getting me a notebook computer for Christmas and painting my wall red (which was all I asked for). I will never outgive him. I will never out-package him.

He is always happy with whatever I've come up with. (I'd told him about both of his gifts, so no surprises.) He still is surprised and delighted.

This year I'm hit with why that is really what Christmas is for all of us. We will never outgive God. We will never get it right, but He is always delighted with our efforts. In wrapping and substance, His gift has inspired the imagination of the world, even as most reject Him.

Today, as we celebrate Him, be thankful that He delights to be the great Gift Giver in your life.

John Stott on Singleness

I've grown to be a great admirer of John Stott, who passed away this last summer at age 90. Normally I would relegate this article, John Stott on Singleness, to my sidebar. But I found this wisdom too great to sideline:

First, don't be in too great a hurry to get married. We human beings do not reach maturity until we are about 25....So be patient. Pray daily that God will guide you to your life partner or show you if he wants you to remain single. Second, lead a normal social life. Develop many friendships. Third, if God calls you to singleness, don't fight it. Remember the key text: "Each person has his or her own gift of God's grace" (1 Cor. 7:7).

I will share this advice with my own children someday.

A Celebration

Mike turned 30-something yesterday. We have celebrated a little bit each day over the last several days. Sadly, he received not one gift. And I gave him his only card. But he did appreciate Facebook greetings, 18-holes of golf over the weekend, brownies and ice cream, and the chance to go out with me last night.

We went to one of our favorite places, Swing, and sat outside over looking Capitol Lake. To just give you an idea of how very different we are, Mike had the bacon-wrapped oysters. Marriage is truly a miracle when I can love being with someone who orders that.

Then we watched Captain America together. I learned a little about the world of Marvel comics and liked the story a lot. And it was nice to be alone together celebrating.

The Cult of Marriage

If it seems odd that a happily married woman spends so much mental energy (which is a scarce commodity at this time of life) thinking about the topic of marriage, you need to understand three things: 1) I married at 32, slightly older than the average age and the "counsel" I received from the Christian community was at times misguided, and at times, downright harmful; 2) I worked with young singles for years and have many single friends who would like to be married and/or have the right to be respected as adults while unmarried, and; 3) I have three children who, at some point, may, or may not, marry.

I recently finished reading Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert which has generated a lot of thought on marriage. Throw in the bizarre books that have come out in the Christian world in the last couple of years that advocate getting married as if it is a Christian duty and this wonderful article by Gina R. Dalfonzo, and my thoughts have been focused once again on the bizarreness of this little pseudo-Christian subculture in America that has absolutely no biblical or historical basis for its beliefs on marriage and parenting.

Recently my reading has caused me to consider that Jesus (God/Man) chose not to marry in a culture that considered the unmarried to be second-class. And then Paul writes that it is better to be single. (1 Cor. 7)  Many of the early leaders of the Christian church took Paul's words to the extreme and discouraged marriage and made sex an evil, evil thing, dirty and disgraced even between married persons. (http://christiansexualethics.wordpress.com/2010/01/17/christian-sexual-ethics-as-seen-through-the-eyes-of-the-church-fathers/) 

In considering God's word as a whole, I have thought that  Paul's statements on marriage may have been a partial reaction to a culture around him that married for reasons other than love.  His statement that it is better to marry than to burn (1 Cor. 7:9) may have been directed toward those couples that were truly, genuinely attracted to each other, body, soul, and spirit. (I'm not a biblical scholar but would be interested to know more on this subject.) When marriage was being propagated all around to strengthen political alliances and fortify financial wealth, proposing this would have been radical. And I don't think one can read the Song of Solomon without recognizing that God seems to be at work in romantic love.

Reading Gilbert's book reminded me that the definition of marriage has changed over time. Marriages were often arranged according to political and business interests; in many cultures men (and sometimes women) could have many spouses.

While I thoroughly believe that marriage entered into rightly by two mature parties devoted to each other is a good and wonderful thing, I am a little down on the attitude that marriage is a state to be sought desperately. When singleness is done right, chastely, with purpose, it is an amazing testament to God and his saving work in lives. Some of the Christians I most admire (John Stott, Corey ten Boom, my brother, and some amazing female friends) have never married. Some of them would like to; and I admire this more. To a culture that says a chaste life is not possible without being "weird" they demand a consideration of Christ and his transforming work.

And then there is this one (also by Dalfonzo) which I wish I could say that I wrote. (Except for the ending which was a bit too cynical for me.) I thought it was such a great reminder of how "Christian advice" about relationships is a moving target, or dare-I-say "evolving" science. Apparently God changes his mind frequently about how he wants unmarried Christians to go about, or not go about, seeking a mate. It is enough to make your head spin. (And that is tongue in check, just in case you couldn't tell.)

I'm increasingly uncomfortable with the parts of American evangelical culture which seem to have absolutely no basis in true Christianity. I continue to believe that in my marriage I live out my faith, becoming better by being in a relationship with someone whose faith often looks much different than mine and by learning about submitting to Christ through submitting ourselves to each other. But I am also aware that my Christian walk while deepened in this way, would have been equally deepened in other ways if I had remained single. And when I watch the ways in which my single friends live in community and hold each other up, I'm pretty impressed. They may have the harder task.

And while I can empathize with those friends who would like to marry and have families, I'm more and more convinced that "pity" is the wrong attitude. As they live their lives fully in the way God intended, they need support, encouragement, and community. But not pity. They will have the selfish benefits of singleness, surely. "Full possession of the remote control," as Sandra Bullock states aptly in While You Were Sleeping. But they will also have opportunities to walk out their faith in ways that I don't have and may never have.

As I raise a son and daughters I pray for their future. If I feel led, I will pray for a spouse for one, two or all of them. But I won't do it presumptively. That may not be the path that is before them. It may not even be God's best for them.

A Day to Reflect

The final heartbeat for the Christian is not the mysterious conclusion to a meaningless existence. It is, rather, the grand beginning to a life with our Savior that will never end. -James Dobson

Last night, one of my good friends Janet, and a bridesmaid in my wedding lost her mama to pneumonia. Janet's family was the kind of family you want to get closer to. I can count on a few fingers the parents of my friends who had a marriage that made me want to get married. Tom and Marlene were that couple. I loved going to their house. I'm friends with their son Matt. Another good friend Amy, lived with them her senior year of high school and is considered "family."

Marlene had come successfully through a bone marrow transplant and was doing well when pneumonia came in and destroyed her immune-suppressed body. I don't think of any of us really dreamed she wouldn't make it. She was positive, loved life, and seemed invincible. Throughout the last several days as it became clear that her body was not going to defeat the two strands of pneumonia, her children and their spouses flew in from their international homes (Hong Kong and India) and her family gathered with her, reading Scripture and praying over her. Her husband did not leave her side.

And in the end, her family was relieved for her, even as all of us who loved her will grieve her, miss her, and wait to see her again.

Bedside vigils have touched my life a lot recently. Another good friend lost her grandmother last month; my mom has been with both of her parents at their deaths in the last few years. My father was with his dad at the end (and I was honored to be with him until a few hours before his death).

These vigils do nothing but convince me that death is merely a passing. They do not seem final; they are exhausting and beautiful, and difficult and reassuring all at the same time. Of course, all have believed and were resting in God's promise of mercy.

Today would have been my cousin Shannon's 40th birthday. As if I needed one more reminder to enjoy the precious gifts of the lives around me.

Through this I was talking with a friend that this really signaled a new era for many of us. Most of us have watched our parents lose their parents. And now, we realize, our turn is coming.

I'm heartened that the early church began the tradition of honoring the saints on the day of their death, rather than on their birthdates. Partly practical because dates of birth weren't always easy to know. Partly theological, because the day of death marked a new beginning. And for the martyrs in particular, their death was a triumph.

But for the Christian, a life lived for God's glory is a triumph. And Marlene lived life well. She touched the lives of thousands of children in her time as a school teacher. She loved and was loved by her husband, Tom, her children, and all of us who had the privilege of being in her presence.

U2

We saw Lenny Kravity and U2 in concert on a beautiful Saturday night. Our view was magnificent and U2 put on a great show as usual. (It was my 5th U2 concert.) We met up with many friends at an Irish pub and then took light rail to the concert.

My observations: Bono, Larry, Adam, and The Edge always wear the same thing in concert. Part of their strength is that they know who they are.

The crowd was older....I didn't notice people in their 20s. It was a 30s and over crowd except for the teens with their parents.

Unfortunately not everyone gets wiser with age. Across the aisle from us a couple in their late 30s or early 40s proceeded to drink themselves into a stupor; the couple in front of them moved after the male threw up. They were both passed out for most of the concert and ten minutes before the show ended Alcohol Enforcement came and hauled them away. The rest of the crowd around us was nothing like that.

10 Years of Magic

My sick husband came and asked me if I knew what day it was.

I do. It is the 10th anniversary of the day we met on a spring day in Virginia. The beginning of something beautiful.

Parenthood

I'm quickly becoming a fan of the new show Parenthood. Besides having a fabulous cast and a great script, I can relate to much of it.

Last night we were catching up on last week's episode online. The stay-at-home mom Christina had a chance to go work on a friend's campaign for a few days and get a taste of her former, pre-kid life in the political world. She comes home having been offered a full-time job and having the joy of having found her niche again in the adult world. Her wonderful husband is supportive and agrees she should take the job (if she wants it) and then starts to begin a list of things they will need someone to find help with. And Monica Potter (as Christina) just nails it. Immediately her face clouds up as she realizes what she'll miss if she takes the job and the day-to-day that will slip away. She quickly changes her mind and says, "Not now. The kids need me now...." It was rather bold for the post-feminist world.

And suddenly, I'm crying. I went to bed trying to figure out why.

And then today happened. Today started at 1:20am when Everleigh woke up for a feeding. And again, at 5:30am. (The 5ish feeding is normal; the earlier feeding is a rarity these days.) And the day continued with me attempting to get something, anything done on the moving process and instead accomplishing a load of laundry, much feeding, holding, and diapering, making part of lunch (Mike helped) and then dinner and feeling stuck in an endless cycle of things that never are DONE. I was becoming more and more frustrated as Mike packed 10 boxes, and the day slipped away.

I identify with "Christina." I feel invisible half the time, doing the same things over and over and never perfectly at that. I feel unappreciated for no good reason and I feel selfish when I pine for a bit of recognition, for the satisfaction of closing my office door on a clean desk and heading home. And yet, at the end of the day, if you gave me a choice between an Employee of the Year plaque and an organized desk or a slightly chaotic home with the same monotonous routine, I'll take the latter. There is nothing so important as being the mother to these three precious people and I actually really do love Mike enough to do his laundry over and over, day after day.

Today was a hard day. I thought I wanted to escape more than once. But now I know why I cried with Monica Potter last night. If you gave me the choice, I would still stay here, doing what I'm doing now. I don't do it perfectly, but this job is mine.

Moving

Moving is the biggest source of marital conflict Mike and I have had thus far. I think last time we moved (four years ago) he said, "I don't like you when we're moving." It stuck with me and I'm going to valiantly attempt to overcome the negative characteristics that rear their ugly head when I move.
I get:

• completely and utterly exhausted
• sentimental and sit and look at old photos and momentoes when I need to be packing
• completely and utterly exhausted (did I mention that?)

Mike gets the job done which means that he runs circles around me and probably (I admit it) does more of the work.

So I was happy to be the person to pack the first two boxes last week, more than a month before moving date. Mike was in Florida on business. And I was delighted to show him I was going to hold up my end of the deal. So he came home and managed to pack more than a dozen boxes in the two days since. And he has the kids packing up their toys and books. He watches basketball playoffs and packs books at the same time. WHO DOES THAT?

We really hope the house goes through. I'm not unpacking this stuff until we move somewhere. (Everything looks good on the house...).

Marrying Young? Or Not? (Part 1)

Last month, Christianity Today did a cover article series on The Case for Early Marriage. That title jumped out at me. And I'll confess an aversion to early marriage that is grounded in my own life and the lives of some of my friends who did marry early.

In his defense, Mark Regnerus (whose work I'm very fond of) is clear that he doesn't mean "teen marriage" which is still a huge predictor of divorce. He is talking about marrying in the early 20s (20-24) which has become quite abnormal in the late 20th/early 21st centuries. The median age for marriage for women is 26 and for men 28 and I'm guessing that number is based on the 2000 census and continuing to rise. And he is right to point out that the age at which one marries is never the cause for divorce.*

Regnerus emphasizes that the church and Christian families need to do more to be supportive of marriage. Amen! He suggests a more comprehensive approach than merely encouraging abstinence among youth. It is time to start helping them prepare to marry. I agree, though I would be very cautious about how this is done.

He also points out that the immaturity of young Christian men is a real problem in marriages and in the delaying of marriage. He points out the dilemma that women find themselves in as they wait for a godly, grown up to come along and instead find "the pool of available men is hardly the cream of the crop-and rarely chaste." (And all my single women friends are yelling "AMEN!") I can't even tell you the number of times I've turned to Mike and said "I'm so glad I found you because that's what's out there."

And while Regnerus is right that we shouldn't just encourage abstinence, he almost gives up that abstinence is possible as we wait longer and longer to marry. I will agree that it is certainly hard, but for many of us who want to obey God and enter into chaste relationships in the future, it is possible, albeit with God's grace. And I can site dozens and dozens of examples that indicate that it is indeed possible to live a chaste life.

And while Regnerus came at this from a sociological perspective, I have to view this information as a parent. And yes, many Christian parents push their children to finish school, establish themselves in their professions, and be older when they make the critical decision to marry. I think they do so for good reasons that have perhaps gone awry. Many have divorced themselves or watched friends and family divorce from pressures that seemed to result from financial instability, immaturity, etc.... But I doubt family pressure is what is making most young people wait. My parents certainly didn't tell me I couldn't marry young. (And my mother tried to discuss this article with my brother for whom it is too late to marry young.) I didn't necessarily say I wouldn't marry in my early 20s either though I knew I wasn't ready at 20 or 21 and I was very mindful that I wanted to get a college degree prior to marriage. Mainly, I looked at the lives of a few friends who married early and made poor decisions and my parents' friends who were divorced and broken, and realized the magnitude of the decision. And yes, my door wasn't being beaten down with proposals of marriage (though I could have said "yes" to a lot of second dates if I had been interested).

So what's a person to do? Well, first of all, the church and Christian parents need to encourage their children (particularly their sons) to grow up. Seeking to introduce them to Jesus and cultivate a love for the things of God should be first and foremost. But beyond that, there is an epidemic of young men in their late teens and in their 2os that are still having their lives financed by their parents and who may stay at home for the rest of their lives if they aren't kicked out the door and shown the real world. Even if that means that they have to experience the results of their own immaturity. (Better let them hit some problems now than marry and do it then.) We need to do a better job helping men understand that women are people and that marrying someone who looks like Jessica Alba may not be their destiny. Nor even desirable. All of this is a huge challenge because our culture will fight us at every turn.

Secondly, parents should be accepting of the imperfections of potential mates of their children and remember they weren't so perfect at 20 either. I've really enjoyed watching The Cosby Show as a parent and being amazed at how Cliff and Clair Huxtable lovingly help bring about growth in Elvin, their future son-in-law. He enters the show, completely immature, saying stupid things all the time. Cliff can't stand the guy until Clair reminds him of all the stupid things he used to say and how much her father thought he was a giant loser. As parents we have to be discerning of the differences between character defects and immaturity.

Thirdly, if parents make a financial commitment to paying for college, they shouldn't change the terms if a child gets married. I think this one has changed over the last generation. College is a HUGE financial investment and doesn't promise a lucrative position upon graduation anymore. Most parents will struggle to merely help with college, but thrusting all that responsibility on a young couple may put additional strain on their relationship. I'm not big on the idea of helping with living expenses, other than maybe a one-time gift of a car or down payment. The couple has to learn how to budget and work out their economic priorities together and parent bail outs just postpone the inevitable. But punishing a child who is ready to marry before they graduate by pulling their parental financial aid is not going to encourage chastity, nor does it seem loving.

Fourth, parents, pastors and churches need to stand firmly committed to preparation for marriage as a prerequisite. I'm still appalled at how many pastors will marry couples because they seem nice and counsel them with a reading list and a few DVDs. Parents should offer to help pay for a wedding AFTER the couple has completed comprehensive pre-marital counseling. Churches should have high standards for who marries in their communities. Community marriage policies work. Determining a good match and setting realistic expectations are critical to marital happiness.

Fifth, parents need to talk with their children about sex. OFTEN. Starting when they are young. I'm still baffled at how many parents I know who think their kids know nothing about sex when they themselves did at their age. Kids are pretty bright and they have access to more information (think about the internet) than ever before. If you want them to have realistic expectations and a moral understanding of the place sex has in their lives you better start talking before they interact with others outside your family. I was in school less than month before it came up. (And your kids don't have to go to school for them to find out about it.) If our children are going to have a hope of maintaining chaste lives before and after marriage, they need continual instruction to combat all the misinformation and distorted values they will encounter at every turn.

For most, I think early marriage is going to be unrealistic. I can simply look at the lives of myself and my peers to know it isn't that easy to find someone. But I did come away after reading this, with a better understanding of how to encourage my children and the youth in my church to better prepare themselves for marriage so if the right person comes along, they are ready. And I think (I hope) that if one of my children comes home wanting to marry at 20, that I'll not react negatively and will instead support that decision. It isn't my natural instinct. But, Regnerus is right.

"The importance of Christian marriage as a symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his people—and a witness to the future union of Christ and his bride—will only grow in significance as the wider Western culture diminishes both the meaning and actual practice of marriage. Marriage itself will become a witness to the gospel."

*Regnerus points out five reasons that marrying younger can be linked to divorce:
1) Economic insecurity
2) Immaturity
3) A poor match
4) Marrying for sex
5) Unrealistic expectations
And all of which can be factors even in older couples.

Acts of Service

Two days ago I was cleaning the carpet and some little mysterious drops of red suddenly became six large areas of red. I have amazing carpet cleaner and it has never failed me yet, but whatever was on the floor (raspberries I'm guessing) didn't clean up. It was a disaster.

Then during the middle of the night I tried to move in bed and somehow managed to do some really weird old-lady thing to my shoulder, putting me in excruciating pain and unable to lift anything with my left arm the whole next day. And the wretched carpet kept staring at me.

I messaged Mike mid-day and asked if he would be willing to rent a carpet cleaner and clean the carpet and reminded him I was an invalid at the moment. So last night he cleaned the downstairs carpet while I put the kids to bed. He works like a madman (he and Kyri are so fast and Ben and I do everything painstakingly slow) and he had the machine reloaded in the car by 9:30. Then he informed me he had two hours of work to do before he could go to bed. I felt so very bad but very loved. (And his love language is words so I hope he feels half the warm fuzzies reading this as I felt last night).

Sadly the stains did not completely come out. But the carpet looks so much better.

And Mike's new blog launched today.

It Pays to Post

These came home with my beloved last night. I feel loved in a lot of ways....But it had been awhile since I had received flowers.

Seven Years of Sorts

from the mom

I'm reading Sex and the Soul, a book on faith and sex on college campuses and how one affects the other. It is a truly frightening book and is steering me back toward a little more openness to sending my kids to evangelical colleges, which still seem to foster a Christian ethic among young adults. (I highly recommend it for parents and youth workers.)

But the real point of this post is that I've learned a new term: frugaling. Frugaling is where a male and female spend a lot of time together with no touching, and no DTR ("determine the relationship") talk. Date without dating. Now according to the book, most evangelical girls would prefer to date but most evangelical guys feel a huge pressure to marry if they "date" a girl.

Upon reflection, I guess I was an exception. I hated dating and felt a ton of pressure. (And courtship! Talk about pressure.) Back in my day we called it being friends, but I guess eventually M and I were actually "frugaling." (Now I know that) he liked me but the idea of marriage in the near future scared him. And in the beginning, I wasn't at all thinking about him romantically but thought he was interesting. So it worked. Until it didn't.

It is a long story but the short of it is that we eventually had that DTR and decided to date with the understanding that marriage was a LONG way off. (That didn't work either and we were married less than 16 months later.) So, the point?

Seven years ago we embarked on something more and I'm so grateful we did.

Things To Look For in A Spouse

from the mom

Long ago in my single years I made a mental list of those qualities I found to be necessary in a potential spouse. My list was not very detailed (unlike a certain family member whose list is very specific) but it did have the important things like: must love Jesus, kind, intelligent, likes children, younger than my father, older than my brother (I compromised on that one), sense of humor.

Five years into married life, I have a few more things I would recommend that my single friends consider. I'm fortunate to have found a mate who has excelled in these things, qualities I didn't even know I needed until I did:

Will he/she help with diapers? Limits on what kinds? (If I use non-disposables I'm on my own.)
Will he/she still greet dinner with a smile when you've had some variation of pasta five nights in a row?
How will he/she react when you say you're "too tired" to cook?
Does he/she plan to participate in the potty-training process? What kind of terminology is acceptable? (Nothing sends M out of a room as fast as reading a book about the potty.)
Will you still love me when you discover how slowly I clean house? And how tired it makes me?
Will he/she come home after a long day at work, take one look at your exhausted face and tell you to go do something for yourself?
Will he/she get out of bed at 4am when you've already been up twice and you're so tired you aren't sure who you are and what that horrible shriek is coming from the other room?
Will he/she be able to manage the balance of encouraging you to work out and not eat that bowl of ice cream while seeming to never notice that you haven't dropped 25 of those baby pounds?
Will you hold my hold (or let me grip your arm) when we watch 24 together?

I'm sure I could think of more given time.... Perhaps you married people have others. And probably you single people don't really want to think about any other tests for a sparse field of candidates to pass.