Real Sex

from Ben's mom

A friend recently recommended that I read "Real Sex" by Lauren J. Winner. I would like to think I could put the subject aside now that I'm married and move on. But as a parent, and as a Christian living in a society saturated with false ideas about sex, it is neither possible nor the responsible thing to do.

Winner approaches the subject freshly, with the perspective of a convert to Christianity who had to jump in and learn about the Christian idea of sex after already failing to live up to Christian teachings. She isn't afraid to boldly debunk the lies the world tells about the subject, but even more bravely, she tackles the lies the church tells about sex (advertently and inadvertently). She revisits the idea that the church has often promoted a negative image of sex, but does it in a fresh way.

One of the harder things she stresses is that Christians live in community and can't refuse to discuss or be honest about their sexual lives with one another. I went through the experience of many when as I moved to the end of my teens and into my 20's, my friends one by one dropped away from attempting to live by Christian sexual ethics and it got rather discouraging to discuss it with them. Gradually it became a topic I discussed with very few. As I grew older, I was blessed to be held accountable by new friends, and often by married friends who brought new perspective to the topic. But I was hesitant to try to really help hold someone accountable with honest questions.

Probably the most important thing that struck me as a parent is that it is really impossible to ask your kids to hold to a higher standard if they don't have a personal relationship with the Lord. If they do, then they need to learn obedience because that is really the key to doing the right thing. All the selfish motivations that the church proffers really don't cut the mustard (and Winner points out are not always true), and any manipulation or downright lying could possibly damage their later (marital) sexual lives. It really comes down to obedience. And we don't obey anyone we don't deeply love, whether it be our parents or Jesus.

Winner is no-nonsense and doesn't fail to tenderly combat some of the favorites of the courtship movement. (She respectfully challenges the "no kissing prior to marriage" philosophy.) But she doesn't gloss over the truth either: Try as we might, there's just no wiggling out of Christianity's teachings on chastity.

For an excerpt, read here.