from Ben's mom
It seems I am continually berating myself for my failure to live up to my expectations for myself. I make little rules (e.g. You may only have dessert once a week) and then fail to live by them. Sometimes, they are about a lack of discipline, but lately I have realized how difficult it is to make everything fit together. On the one hand, I have more free time than when I was working (and not a parent) and on the other, I have no real time to myself. Everything is more complicated.
Recently a new cinema complex opened in our area. To promote it, they offered $1 movies the first three days they were open. MJR and I were very excited and decided we wanted to go. We discussed timing; we discussed a babysitter; we discussed the possibility that we would hire a babysitter and then get to the cinema and they would be sold out; we discussed our son's current health and whether we should leave him when he had a few cold symptoms. After about 10 minutes of discussion, we were completely exhausted and decided that the whole thing was just too complicated to even bother with. "We'll just rent a DVD." I had a fun time relating that story to my college roommate, with whom I used to go to see movies at midnight with in our southern California days. We would decide at 11:30 that we could neither study nor sleep and that a $2 movie was in order. We would call the cheap theatres and be there by 11:50 when the movie started. No such possibility exists at this stage of our lives. (And the very thought makes me completely exhausted.)
The same battle exists in trying to get to the gym. Ben naps when they offer daycare, and when Mike gets home from work, there is dinner to make. By the time it is made, eaten, and cleaned up, it is usually nearly 7:30 and I am exhausted. And I want to spend time with my husband. Running off and leaving my family doesn't appeal at that point. And so it goes....
Recently, I read a MOPS book that suggested organizing your priorities to help you make the difficult decisions. It really helped me to put things in perspective. I want to be physically fit, but more than that, I want to be there for my husband and son. I don't want to become one of those households where we are always running here and there and never experiencing the little moments that really build relationships. So while I need to exercise, I am working on doing it more at home and going out in the evenings when I need a break, and when Ben and his dad can use some quality one-on-one time together (say to watch a western or hit golf balls in the backyard).
At the same time, I need to make the effort to do things for the good of my family, even if they are difficult to plan. My husband would really like a night out with me alone and I tend to think about all the bother of a babysitter and "what if he cries?" and "can we afford it all?" Sometimes, jumping through all the hoops is a good idea.
I still have not achieved true balance but I have at least started to filter decisions using my priorities filter. But I haven't been to the gym in ages. And I still need to give up dessert.
4 comments:
Rachelle, thanks for sharing this! I really needed to hear that someone else goes through these things. I know I've only been a mom for a very short time - tho' it seems like forever now - but I can totally relate to what you've said. I feel like my life is so much more complicated now. I feel like I work my tail off all day long but get nothing done! And, yet, I'm tired. How can that be? I want to "have it all" but I guess I'm realizing that I can't have it all right now, at this phase of life. So, like you said, I need to prioritize.
Thanks, again, for sharing your thoughts on this topic. :)
-AK
Hi Ladies - I've heard several doctors compare childbirth with major surgery! It takes two years to completely heal and become your youthful self.
As time passes and you become more experienced, it gets easier... I promise! Ask lots of questions from experienced moms. Someone is going to have a helpful hint that will be a perfect solution for your particular situation. Remember the most important things: Love your husband with all of your heart and energy. Love those babies and spend as much time with them as possible (but include some fun breaks for yourself). Being a good wife and mother are more important than being a great housekeeper. Again, it all gets easier as time goes by, but please give yourself a dose of daily grace.
When I was walking in your shoes, my mom-in-law gave me some great advice. She said to make a special memory with my child EACH and EVERY day. Then when the years fly by and you wonder how they could have passed so quickly, you have a heart full of precious memories (and so does your child).
You both do everything with excellence, so I have great confidence that with God's help you are going to master motherhood. :)
Lovingly,
~Sherri
Children DO complicate things! At first I blithely thought, 'Baby won't change things a bit. I'll just take him right along with me everywhere and he will adapt to my world.' Yes and no. I am still learning in what incalculable ways my life has forever changed, but ultimately it is SO worth it - even in the thick of last-minute suppers and aborted movie-going plans!
I keep forgetting that my rules are merely helpful rules of thumb, and that all I really need to follow are God's rules. Hopefully it can be an encouragement to know that, at the end of the day, if all you did was to love God, love your husband, love your child(ren), and love others, you have done well. (And the Martha in me wants to have bustled off and knocked about ten things off the to-do list...)
I remember talking with a friend of mine -- the type who likes to go out and conquer life, who thinks she's not living unless she's doing everything she needs to and wants to -- and we realized that our lives go in stages. Right now I can't easily get to a gym, spend a lot of time writing, or even take fun day-trips. But I can cook supper for my husband, teach my kids to clean up the living room, and read books to them.
As the kids get older, my duties will change, and maybe I can fit in a pleasure or extra that I've had to leave out before. We just have to forego some things, I think, and realize that we'll probably get back to them later.
Thanks for this post. Nothing like companionship along the journey!
-- SJ
Post a Comment