Saying "I Do"

from Ben's mom

When I wrote June Blues I wasn't expecting the response I received. I was riding a week of job dissatisfaction. But apparently I struck a chord with a lot of people and opened a discussion that I have been thinking about how to continue.

I felt that what I wrote had nothing to do with any disillusionment with marriage, but with that strange little anomaly called "homemaking" which is a job, but one based upon relationship. No person takes on this job for the pay, but the benefits are unusual and very rewarding. My boredom came with the endless tasks of vacuuming, spot-cleaning our very cheap carpet, cleaning the bathroom and making the bed. Those are the nuts and bolts of homemaking. The tangibles. The good part is the spirit of the job--the moments when I hit upon a fun learning activity to do with Ben, or when I'm inspired to make something for dinner that is new and interesting and when I meet my husband at the door and really look at him and hear how his day was.

I wasn't a full-time homemaker until nearly a year into my marriage. Yes, I came home and did the laundry, but MJR was just as likely to help clean the house and when I was too tired to cook, we could just walk down the street and pick up Chinese take-out. We could afford to. We had more money and I was completely exhausted with my job and soon with pregnancy. MJR's job was far less demanding and he was able to help a lot more. Now he makes more and is more challenged, but "we" make less and dinners out are a rare treat. When he comes home, I want him to play with his son and tell me about his day, not clean the bathroom.

The problem comes when I don't want to clean it either. In a normal job, I would do it and deal with it and focus on the coming weekend. Or I would be fired. In this job, there really is no weekend and I can't get fired. (Well, in a really terrible scenario, I suppose that possibility does exist, but MJR has never threatened me with termination over a really bad dinner.)

But moving on.... I think Brooks read more into the post than was there but in the process he asked some very good questions. So on to my response.

I married a little later than most of my friends. I was a bridesmaid five times prior to my marriage and at each of those weddings I remember distinctly experiencing a shiver down the spine or a rock in my stomach when the vows were exchanged. I remember thinking "How on earth can she say that to him?" I did a lot of soul-searching and wondered if I was perhaps destined for singleness. I had a few dating experiences which always led me to the conclusion that my single life was far more exciting. "Trade my semester in London to wash your dirty socks?" I would think. "I don't think so."

I am absolutely convinced that I needed 30+ years of singleness to work out a lot of ambitions and to fulfill the rich dreams that God placed in my heart. And then it happened....(and most of you know this story).

I became friends with this guy. Having confused a few of my male friends in the past (one to the point of having him propose) and being a true believer in the "When Harry Met Sally" philosophy, I was pretty careful to only make friends of guys who were absolute impossibilities. So my friend was too young, too square (ha-ha), and he told me had a girlfriend in Richmond (which he still denies but I have a witness).

And two things that I had heard from the time I was an adolescent began to happen. I began to think that I might be able to serve God with more clarity with this man next to me than I could on my own. What's more, I wasn't sure I could bear the idea of going through life without him. As it happened, he felt the same and it wasn't long before I found myself making those freaky, impossible vows before God and man.

All that to say: Don't ever get married unless you have to. Unless you can't imagine living your life without that one person next to you. Unless you are thinking something like this: I guarantee that we'll have tough
times. I guarantee that at some point
one or both oof us will want to get out.
But I also guarantee that if I don't
ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for
the rest of my life. (Runaway Bride)

Marriage is a huge risk. I knew when I made that decision that I was opening myself up to more risks (death of a spouse, or betrayal, or failure). But I had the faith in God to know that He was with me, behind me, and I believed that this was His will guiding my heart.

To tell you the truth, I thought it would be harder than it has been thus far. Like Rose, I've found marriage to be pretty blissful. But I know there will probably come a day when I may not feel that way. But I am absolutely certain I married the right person at the right time. And that in Christ we are going to meet the challenges in our future and grow stronger in each other.

We all battle with selfishness. I tend to start adding up how much money he has spent out golfing or at the movies with a friend and wanting "my share." It is that constant battle with contentment that we all face as humans, and with greater understanding (hopefully) because we are Christians. (As stated better by some of my commenters.)

Is my former life gone forever? I hope so. It was good but the time for change had come and I am anticipating a great future with my husband. I enjoyed my time in England, Ireland, etc...but the best trip of my life was to Italy on my honeymoon. I sometimes wish I didn't have to make dinner, but I am forever grateful that I get to eat it with the one person in the world who makes everything better. Am I tired of cleaning the house? Yes. But I had to do that when I was single and no one EVER thanked me.

But if any of this looks like entrapment or misery to you, you are definitely not ready to climb in this boat. You have to sort out the difference between a few moments of cold feet and a continual wondering if this is for you. The former is a chance to keep your eyes open and be certain you are making the right decision; the latter is an indicator that you are not ready and should not take this step until you are.

I have heard a lot that we should marry to drive away the selfishness. I think that love does that as a matter of course but it is a wretched reason to marry. I would be miserable if I thought that my husband had married me to develop his character. I want him to be deliriously happy. I hate it when he is unhappy. I married him because I thought that I could make him a more fulfilled, more joyful person. For me to live my days grudgingly doing things I hate would make him miserable which would be anything but unselfishness on my part. On his behalf, he has encouraged me to take a trip and leave Ben with him for the weekend and I am reticent. When it gets right down to it, he doesn't like to leave me to travel on business and I really don't have a huge desire to "get away" without him. Maybe someday.

One of my favorite people, Mrs. K used to say: "It is good to have other friends but there is still no one in the world I would rather be with than Forrest." I know exactly what she was talking about.