from Ben's mom
The last week has been one of my more difficult in recent memory. It seems that everything decided to collide at the same time and for the first time in my married life, I found myself very dissatisfied with the life of a homemaker. (I make this confession because it occurred to me of that late that several of my friends have probably wanted to hurl things at me when I talk about how much I love my new life.)
Unfortunately, it gave me a chance to see how selfish I really am. It started in the normal housewife way: the never-ending struggle to figure out what to make for dinner. Suddenly I started missing those business trips with dinners out, and those nights when I was too tired to cook and ate a bowl of cold cereal. My job description now involves having to come up with something not only for me to eat, but for my husband (no tomatoes, no olives, no grapes, etc...) and my son (no dairy, no soy, no eggplant--ok, well that one isn't hard).
It moved on. Suddenly I was resentful of Mike's cool business trips (South Carolina in March and an upcoming conference in D.C. with a possible stop in Albany, New York). I began to reflect on the nice hotels and new rental cars and the hours of relaxation on the plane when all I could do was read and sleep in undisturbed peace. (Will I ever travel that way again?) It climaxed when I went to a garage sale and someone had actually bagged up a ziplock of hotel soaps, shampoos and lotions for $1. I actually sunk to the nadir over HOTEL SOAPS. (We lived off my collection for the entire first year of our marriage never purchasing real soap.)
All the glamour came off the diaper-changing life I lead now. And it wasn't pretty.
In the midst of all this I stopped to think about what week this was. This week in June is always hard. June 11 would have been my cousin Shannon's birthday (we were 9 months apart) and today is the 9th anniversary of her murder. Anyone who has ever lost someone who was too young can relate to those painful anniversaries that plunge you into a depression. I've done this enough to know that but somehow I still think that this year it will fly by without me noticing. And while the loss is less acute every year, it is and probably always will be, a very difficult week for me. And one I should warn my husband about and pray extra hard as I go into it.
So yes, I'm still suffering from a little homemaking burnout and I still want to stay in a hotel with cool soaps and an indoor pool. But I am doing exactly what I want to do: be a wife to the most wonderful man I know and being the mommy of a sweet little boy with music in his heart. And this week should remind me how fleeting time is and how quickly it all can change. So I'm going to treasure it.
12 comments:
Looking behind the surface problems to the real problem below is what really gives you the strength to handle it -- suddenly you know how to pray and what you're really struggling against. And you're struggling against a very big pain, so no wonder you found life heavy.
As much as I envy Darren for all his travels, downtime, and GETTING TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE, he envies me for getting to stay in our comfortable, rather relaxing home and being with the kids so much.
Thanks for your post. It's an encouragement and reminder that even while missing our former lives, we should treasure what we have now.
-- SJ
Wow! Thanks for giving us this glimpse into your life. It's a good pep talk to me for when I hit a slough-of-despond day. Not everything can always be perfect, but you are brave to squarely acknowledge that and shoulder on without whining.
I really appreciate knowing what to pray for for you. I'll be thinking of you this week!
Found you on the "Next Blog" link from my daughter's blog. I'll pray for strength and joy for you. I've been married 17 years with 4 children, and I still have times like yours, only I envy my wife spending so much time with our kids, or I hate having to stay at my job because moving is too hard on a family, or being unable to do more 'grown-up' things (oldest is 14).
The times pass though, and there come many more times when I am flowing over with joy, wallowing in my blessings.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I have days like that too. I don't have a difficult anniversary that coincides with it, but the choice is always before us: rejoice in the sweet and difficult things of our present moment or long for the past (or the "what if?"). Good reminder to treasure the present and thank God for it all.
Now a single is going to put his two cents in and sort of throw down the gauntlet.
Rachelle, this is, like Rose says, "a glimpse into your life." And it gets to the core of what's going through my mind right now as a 22 year-old single guy who is contemplating matrimony. The question running through my head is: Will I regret it? Will I miss my "former life?" If I get married, will I take a turn south one day and do what you, Rachelle, and the rest of you commenters are doing right now--sort of sighing melodramatically as you gaze back over your shoulder at your past--sort of reach down within yourself for the grace and willpower to accept and continue the life you've chosen? Part of me rejects marriage if it is a life of traps (trapped in the home/at your job) and regret (longing for the "former life"). Sure, if I was married right now, like the rest of you, I'd be humming the same keep-at-it tune, but from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem like it is a desirable of a place to be.
Can anyone help me sort this out? I guess I'm struggling with the thought of missing travelling , "getting to see other people" and having fun, and am not convinced that what one gets in exchange for these sacrafices is worth the trade.
What is so wonderful and awful (both at the same time) about this post is that it confirms my suspicions and allows me to more vividly imagine what it would be like to be married. I WANT to know the cons as well as the pros. I need to understand why people do this thing called "marriage" and "having a family" and why they stick with it once they are in the boat. I want to know if marriage is intrisically rewarding or if poeple just get a kick out of it because its glamorized in our culture.
Not only do I not want to be in the homemaker's shoes (as I'm interpretting it), I especially do not want to be in the travelling spouse's shoes, trapped at his job and feeling guilty for subjecting his wife to the misery of homemaking.
I'm sorry for being the sour apple--I don't mean to butt-in on your marriage pep rally. I realize what you all wrote is sincere and heart felt; I am not doubting that you are, at least to a certain extent, satisfied with your married lives. I also realize that you need to, and are, leaning on God's grace to help you at the low points. What I want to know is if these unhappy, complaining attitudes are experienced the minority of the time, or if they are always there under the surface, being repressed by one's willpower? Is the trapped/terrifying aspect of marriage always there behind the door, waiting to jump out and eat you when you have a weak moment? Is that "former life" really gone forever? (and if so, are your REALLY okay with that?)
All ears,
Brooks
P.S. - I'll tell you one thing, Rachelle, you wrote a powerful post. If people blogged like that all the time . . . I don't know what would happen . . . something like Y2K or Hiroshima.
Brooks,
It's good that you are asking these questions and grappling with these issues now. The whole gazing-down-the-road thing is a very common manifestation of the fallibility of mankind, the human sin nature, in this case taking the form of discontent. Getting married will not cure it, nor will traveling, getting to see other people, or having any amount of fun. No matter where you find yourself in life, there will always be something to rejoice in over your former self and also something to regret and miss.
The trick to finding contentment - AND having the grounds to pep-talk yourself out of a blue funk whenever the mood does descend - is to ensure that wherever you go in life, you are in the thick of God's will for you. Once you start aggravating your own agenda, no telling what could happen and what just cause you could have for remorse and regret. But IF you are obeying God, and you can be confident that He led you to where you are, then you know you're in the right path and should have the peace of mind to philosophically deal with any emotions that may cause you to waver.
Obviously, if you're not convinced that God is leading you into marriage at this point, then you're wise to hesitate. (And thanks for the comment - I've been wondering what the hitch is with you two! =) Getting married to serve your own selfish ends, because you expect it to be intrinsically rewarding or to get a kick out of it, could easily leave you as empty as any other human-strength-inspired endeavour which you could attempt.
Those of us on the other side can assure you that getting married does not solve all your problems and cure all emotional blues. If you view marriage as a haven for lonely souls and expect it to provide you with every source of happiness, then you're bound for disappointment. You have to do it because you're compelled to, because God commands you, because you're madly in love with that person and you know without a doubt that this is what you want for the rest of your life, come what may.
You seem to assume that marriage is more of a trap than other paths you could choose in life. It IS one of the more irrevocable steps, but ANY choice you make is going to have unseen ramifications and rule out, for good or evil, countless other variations and possibilities. It would be foolish to assume that marriage alone can close the door on endless opportunities for happiness which, if free to sample, you would enjoy to greater advantage. Going into the military cuts down on your options drastically. Signing up for four years of college limits your time, resources, and spontaneity. Whatever course you choose in life will have trade-offs, and I don't see that marriage in itself is more aggressive in narrowing the field of possibilities than other options in life. You can still travel and see the world when married (assuming for the record that you marry a like-minded enough person who is willing to share your dreams). In fact, I would consider a job to be a greater barrier to freedom than marriage. In our first year of marriage, it wasn't Michael holding me back from gallivanting off to England - it was money and time!
I'll be honest with you - having kids does cut down on your options. You have to accept the fact that you are going to make certain sacrifices, and you work with that until the priorities in your life change. It's a matter of trade-offs, of course, and I'm convinced that the joy and satisfaction which Jane brings us is more than worth the loss of sleep and flexibility which I enjoyed before she came. Lots more to be said on this topic, but that's for another day.
I'm just re-reading your post, and somehow I missed your final questions. To be honest, I struggled with many of the same issues before my marriage and then my parenthood. I had high ideals for marriage, and no matter how lonely or bored I got with my single life and how tempting the idea of a soulmate seemed, I was convinced never to risk the resulting disappointment, as inevitably happens in all literature and common knowledge. Granted that we can never achieve perfection in this life, I wasn't sure to what degree I was willing to accept less than the best, and I figured I would have a better chance of sticking it out alone.
Marriage has not been a big disappointment, however; it's been pretty much the blissful state I always imagined in my dreams and ruled out as unrealistic. I credit this solely to God's grace, because obviously as fallen human creatures we could never have pulled it off on our own. I know that's a pretty broad statement ('Okay,' you may think, 'so how can I be sure to land this particular dose of grace in my marriage, thus ensuring eternal bliss?'). In my experience, all other things being equal, a happy marriage is far better than a happy single life. But then, if you were a happy single person beforehand, you will probably be a happy married person. So it is related to your character and attitude.
To answer your question bluntly, what is waiting at the door to eat you in a weak moment is not a terrifying aspect of marriage, but of life. Yes, to some degree that taunting 'what if' is going to haunt all of us if we let it. We must never let circumstances dictate our emotions, however. If ever I am tempted to feel despair, I have to remember that it is not marriage which brought me to this; it is sin.
Best wishes as you grapple!
Brooks,
What Rachelle is describing isn't just the struggles of being a housewife. It's the struggles of being a Christian, or even just an adult. It's anyone who's ever started a business, written a book, begun a ministry, or done anything that requires trading in short-term pleasures for long-term gains. Sure, there are great pleasures that go along with the temporary struggles, but they're not what it's all about.
Anyway, other people have asked me this lately, so I wound up posting the rest of my thoughts on my own blog.
Rachelle,
Wow. =) I've loved reading other people's comments, particularly yours, Brooks. Everyone is being honest. It's fantastic. It is when we confess and lay it out that we change. We're so used to putting on the happy face and saying "everything is WONDERFUL!" when inside we are all, as Karen so aptly put it, Christians. No different than any other, sinful, but full of God's grace and mercy.
Soooo....in response to your post, Rachelle, and Brooks comments....
The week of our honeymoon I felt incredibly trapped. Suddenly everything was different and it dawned on me -- I couldn't just hop a plane and go visiting or make a phone call whenever I wanted because this other person took priority. For about one day I had to fight the thoughts back that this was a shocking change.
Yeah, it was a change, and after fighting through the thoughts that day I've come to realize that within the "rules and regs" I've found freedom. I can be honest and open. I can laugh heartily at things that are funny and I can share everything without feeling like I'm giving something away that will only be lost (if that makes sense). I'm investing every day into something that will be around forever.
I love my friends and my former life. I'm so GLAD I did not get married one year sooner that I did.
The subject is, as Karen said, contentment, which is something all Christians must deal with. Daily. We were given the greatest most challenging instruction by being told to be "content in every situation" which is the hardest thing *I* think I have to do.
I knew when I was single that I would battle contentment when I was married-- which is why I LOVED being single. I know now, that I'm married, that I will forever battle contentment. Full time job or part time? Take that trip or don't? See that friend or realize that our lives are completely different and opt to spend time with my spouse instead (whom I usually have a better time with anyway!). We make a thousand choices during our lifetimes and each one effects who we are and what we end up doing. The challenge? To give glory to God in every situation and to relish each moment and learn to be content in it. HAHA...and if anyone out there thinks that is easy, I shall think them non-human.
However, I am glad I am married, like you are, Rachelle. I am glad everything is as it is and I would not seek to change it. Does it require sacrifices? Yes. One could easily give in to thinking about what they've given up or what they don't have as a result of marriage -- or singleness -- or the "job of their dreams" -- or the trip -- or, or, or, etc., etc. etc. The list of "What ifs" is different for everyone but we're still all left with the option of playing the What If game. But if we spend our life times playing THAT game -- we'll miss out on everything that is what is worth living for. And what is worth living for? Whatever God plopped on your plate. (As romantic as THAT sounds.)
My two cents... (and admonishment to myself)
Hi! I've never posted on here, but found a link to your blog on QOC's blog. What a great post! Thanks for being so honest and forthright. I wanted to kind of address the questions of marriage and having kids. I don't have any kids yet, but have been married two and a half years. I'm one of those people who wants to fully analyze everything and look at all possible outcomes and come up with a plan B, C, ... Z... before making a big decision... very hard to do with choices on marriage/children! Seems like marriage and the choice to have children is so much like jumping off a cliff, or a blind step of faith!
After 2.5 years, I've absolutely loved being married more than being single! It's continued getting better since the wedding day. There have been difficult times and arguments and grumpy days, but I would never trade in this life for the old one. :-) Sometimes I feel guilty or wonder if I'm still in "newlywed bliss" and it will all come crashing down one day when my rose-colored glasses fall off. I think a big part of enjoying marriage and making it better... well the big 'E' on the eye chart is to stay close to God and go to Him with troubles and problems, but also to have a soft heart and be willing to apologize and to forgive, and to be willing to change or lay down what you want for the sake of the other person.
Easy for me to say though, from a very contentedly married perspective! :-)
I wouldn't recommend getting married if you're feeling unsure or doubtful. I imagine the person you marry makes a big difference in how happy you are post-marriage. I was in a few dating relationships before I met my husband, and now looking back, am SO glad I didn't marry one of them... and now I see that the indecision and uncertainty I felt about those relationships, even though I couldn't put a finger on it, may have been a clue that it wasn't the right relationship to be in. Waiting to marry a person you feel very excited to begin the rest of your life with will probably help cut down on the "what if's" later.
On the other hand though, a lot of my co-workers are from India and found their wives via an arranged marriage, and in their culture you "love the one you marry", rather than "marry the one you love".
I was talking this over with my aunt via email (marriage and children), and will include some of her thoughts below.
--------------
Marriage is definitely a challenge but if you hand in there, keep Jesus
most important, and are willing on both sides to change and be flexible
then you will succeed. One of the things Warren always says to the men
in our marriage classes is "There is one thing for sure you have to be
willing to do if you are going to have a successful marriage and that is Change."
As far as having a baby, it sounds like are your concerns are legitimate. It is definitely an adjustment and you really do have to suddenly put someone elses needs above yours 24 hours a day. But when it's your own little someone it's just amazing how enjoyable it is. They are so demanding and you feel like you need a break and then you go out for dinner and within an hour all you want to do is be back home with them. And as far as hormones go. Well, they do go crazy a bit but it sounds like you have the perfect husband for that! Warren took two weeks off when each of our babies were born because I had no family around to help me. He was my rock! He really helped me through the recovery and it was
such a bonding time for both of us. I'm not sure why young mommies want
to complain so much about the difficulty of having children. I think maybe they really just want people to realize that what they are doing is full time and should be recognized and appreciated as a legitimate job or a valuable choice. I remember feeling like people thought I was spoiled because I just stayed home all day with my children. I finally started
responding to their comments by saying. "Yes, I know I am spoiled and blessed and I thank God for it all the time. I have such a great husband who works really hard just so I can stay home." It usually quieted people down. Staying home and raising children I believe is the most valid ministry a woman with children can have. Raising children to love the Lord and be confident and secure is honoring God and giving Him all glory! You know some women actually feel better emotionally and physically once they have given birth.
Sorry... it's my first time on your blog and I'm talking everyone's ear off. But I wanted to post a link to this interesting article that a friend pointed out - about married people and contentment, and below are my thoughts on it.
http://news.ft.com/cms/s/6ccd4a74-c90d-11d9-b9f4-00000e2511c8.html
Ha ha! This is such an interesting article, Jeremiah. I just read it to Brian. My question is, are the happy spouses "delusional" with more happy, gullible neurons in their brains or are they simply forgiving, giving grace, choosing not to keep a record of wrongs suffered, and dwelling on things that are lovely, noble, good, and praiseworthy in their partner?
I think sometimes part of what makes a marriage work is not so much being completely oblivious to your spouse's faults as choosing not to focus on them.
No human is without fault, but life gets much more miserable and unhappy if we're always dwelling on the things that are inevitably "wrong" with our partners rather than their good traits. I haven't had that much experience, only having been married 2.5 years with no kids in the picture yet, but I have definitely learned a lot about choosing to love my husband and to dwell on his good characteristics and not to sweat the small stuff or fuss and criticize things about him that I ultimately have no power to change. Of course I can find things wrong with him, but if I choose to dwell on those things, both of our happiness levels go doooowwwwn.
If Brian does something that ticks me off (assuming he's not a mass-murderer or keeping a harem on the side, etc, etc), I can choose whether to go back and re-play the incident in my mind, thinking about how to get back at him and make him see how "hurt" I am, burning a scar onto our relationship, or I can choose NOT to think that way, and instead think of scriptures on forgiveness and dwell on things I love about him. If I choose the godly route, later after God's dealt with me a bit and I'm not feeling so upset I can decide whether the "thing" needs to be raised as an issue with my husband, or I can decide it wasn't a big deal and will likely completely forget it happened. 90% of the time I forget about it and we never have an argument or strife over it. And the other 10% of the time, well then we might have to have it out! :-) I like what Brian often says when reminded of something I've said or done wrong, "I don't remember that, but I distinctly remember forgetting it!"
When I read the article, certain verses came to mind:
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love always hopes. (both from 1 Corinthians 13)
and
Whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, if there be any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things. - Philippeans 4:8
What happy marriage between two imperfect people wouldn't include a habit of putting past wrongs behind, hoping and assuming the best of one's partner whenever possible, and choosing to dwell on that which is good, virtuous, and praiseworthy in the other person?
Of course, I have it easy because my husband is awesome and I can't think of anything I really don't like about him. heh heh ;-)
I've been too busy to comment and even now I am going to forego saying much and save it for a later post. I have been amazed at the response and at times a little surprised at the connections people drew between their own thoughts/lives and what I wrote. I said a little but a lot more was read in to what I wrote than what I thought, felt or wrote. I'm glad for the great discussion generated and look forward to saying more soon. -rlr
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