The Proliferation of Stuff and the Raising of Clutter-Free Kids

"Thanks to availability, convenience and ingenious new ways of financing, all of us, including the kids, have a mass of possessions that was unimaginable even in the 1950s or 1960s, let alone in pioneer days." -Don Aslett, "Help! Around the House: A Mother's Guide to Getting the Family to Pitch in and Clean Up"

"Stuff" frustrates me. A neighbor recently cleaned out their kids' junk and sent it home with my kids. And it wasn't the first time. I wanted to march down there with a load of our junk in return. I didn't do it; instead I took to heart that I won't give things to the neighbor kids without first asking their parents and receiving an enthusiastic response. Mere politeness won't do.

When I was a kid I remember receiving gifts on my birthday and Christmas. These two occasions were the times I received new things UNLESS I bought them. With money I earned. That was it. And it was all. I didn't feel particularly deprived.

But my own children are a different story....

In the beginning I was at fault. I sold educational toys for a while and so we had a lot early on. I quit because I despise home parties and selling at them was a form of torture for me. And the toys I gave my kids quickly were put up high and brought down when they asked for them and returned to boxes when they were through and put up again. I also used to garage sale, looking for clothes for kids and also decent furniture that we needed. The toys were cheap and if I had the kids with me, which one of them particularly enjoyed, they would ask for things. And a quarter seemed like a bargain.  I also went through a time where we went through drive-thrus way too often and I bought the Happy Meal (or equivalent) with the junky toys. I'm less exhausted now and that is once again a special occasion, instead of a weekly thing. I have repented of all these things.

I was taught to value and respect the things people sacrificed to give me. I can still tell you who gave me all the wedding gifts we received. That's the way I roll. So throwing out anything that I can identify with a person who gave something to my kids is tough. Even though, I have a suspicion that there is far less sacrifice in the many of the "things" they receive than the gifts I received as a kid. Kids' toys are cheap at this age. And the availability of credit makes them appear cheaper than they really are.

I've spent much of the last couple of years surveying the clutter in their rooms, the basement, and elsewhere with disdain over the supply side of the problem.

My kids hate clutter too. They are exhausted by it. They see their pile of stuff in their rooms and walk away. What they want to play with is the stuff I still keep up high, on the high shelves in their closets and mine that they can't reach. The stuff that has all the pieces because I make them clean up and give it back to me when they are done. And while I wish I could control the supply side, the truth is I can't.  Recently I realized that I had to quit being bothered over all the things they are given and accept that this is the way things are for them.

What I can control is:

1) My feeling that we must keep it forever. Ridiculous. Even though I know it would horrify some of the givers, the truth is, a gift is a gift, and should be released upon giving. Some things we give to others who do really value it. But I'm not so keen on this because it screams "white privilege" to box up goods to go to 3rd world countries and the poor in general, who are now being inundated with our extra leftovers instead of being given quality things they need and want. However, giving it to Goodwill means someone else has to buy it and if they have a hoarding problem, our not donating it isn't going to stop their issues.

2) My reaction. Which is to throw it in boxes and store it indefinitely. We have (no joke!) at least a dozen boxes of toys in my house that my kids didn't clean up when asked that I confiscated and they haven't even missed. On a few occasions, they have missed something and I've given them permission to look in a box and earn it back if they find it. They are amazed at how much stuff they had forgotten they owned in the first place. And they find that one thing and hand me back the box. Telling.

3) How I teach my kids to think about giving. I can encourage them to think of creative gifts that will mean more to the giver; for friends buried in stuff (which is nearly all of them), we can offer to take them to the zoo or on a park outing or lunch out instead of throwing more stuff on them. (Note to givers: Time in in far shorter supply than stuff these days. Give the gift of time.)

4) Give them experiences and memories instead of stuff on special occasions. I'm married to a guy who remembers his childhood gifts fondly, and freaks out when I suggest "no gifts for the kids this year." He also hates the mess so he is quickly coming around. And one year we gave Ben the gift of a trip to DC as his Christmas gift - he opened an envelope telling him that - and he reflected on it as his favorite gift. Kyrie is a tougher nut: gifts are her love language and she loves to give and receive. I'm still working through how to love her as she experiences love without contributing to the hoarder part of her personality.

5) Who is responsible. As my children grow older, I am giving them more responsibility for their things. When I hear them whine about how LONG it takes to clean their rooms, I can gently remind them that it would go quicker if they had less stuff. I can guide them as they determine what they no longer need. When "stuff" becomes a burden, it is time to "let it go!"

I want to respect my children and not indiscriminately discard their things. I want to make them part of the process. Which is why my house is still cluttered. I could just toss it. But that would destroy trust; it also would bypass teaching them an essential skill they need to have in life. They need to learn how to prioritize. Time, money, relationships, all those valuable resources that they are going to have to learn to manage. Our success as adults is largely attributable to how well we do this, and they are on that path right now. So we move on, learning to let go.