Birth Order Matters

Back in high school, I stumbled across a book on birth order by Dr. Kevin Leman. I was absolutely fascinated. I so identified with the descriptors attached to first-born children and this helped me feel better about the ways I was so distinctly different from the rest of my family. I was quite determined for a while to make a good birth order match (which would have made my mate a baby in his family, ideally, or a middle child). That didn't happen (gratefully) and now my firstborn husband and I sometimes struggle to understand the non-firstborns in our families.

Last week, I read Why Birth Order Matters and watched elements of it play out.

On Friday, I heard Ben carefully describing how one was supposed to accomplish a certain task to Kyrie. He laid it out diligently. She promptly started with "You don't have to do it that way."

"Yes, you do, Kyrie." And the tension began to escalate.

I took the opportunity to explain to her that her brother and her parents love rules, love black and white. She looked at me like I was from another planet.

This description could not be more perfect for the three firstborns in our family:

Reliable and conscientious, they tend to be list makers and black-and-white thinkers. They have a keen sense of right and wrong and believe there is a right way to do things. They are natural leaders and achievement-oriented.

My middleborn completely fits this descriptor with the exception of the last phrase. Negotiator, yes. Peace, not so much.

They're the hardest to pin down of all the birth orders, but they'll be the opposite of the child above them in the family. If the firstborn is very conventional, the second will be unconventional. Middle children walk to the beat of a different drummer. They are competitive, loyal and big on friendships. The middle child of the family is often the negotiator who tries to keep the peace.

 And then our baby:

These social, outgoing creatures have never met a stranger. They are uncomplicated, spontaneous, humorous and high on people skills. To them, life's a party. They're the child in the family who is most likely to get away with murder and the least likely to be punished. They often retain their pet name.

This is the child who ran up to her uncle last weekend, jumped in his arms, and declared, "I'm your honey."

I know my kids aren't tied to these things and that there are always exceptions. (Kevin Leman is always mindful to point this out.) But this article gave renewed focus to my parenting and relieved a little of the guilt I have in always seeing the perspective of one of my children better than the others. I have to work a little harder. I particularly am focused on remembering that sometimes Kyrie is right; there is more than one way to skin a cat. And I have to be more diligent to make sure our little charmer grows up learning to pull her weight.

Lastly, Mike and I were both raised by a middle-born and last-born parent. Remembering that helps us understand why we are both more conventional than our parents and sometimes wish they were more interested in "following the rules." Hopefully, because we were raised by parents not of our birth order, we are more flexible and accommodating. Ben, however, may be a lost cause. (Smile.)