I picked up a big project for my travel work and have been buried in February. I hit a point where I practiced saying "no, so sorry, can't do it" so I wouldn't get so frantic again. But I can't. I don't want to. I want to say "yes."
So I've been examining every little thing I do, what is excess, what is important. And dealing with the guilt. You know the guilt that all mothers have that they aren't doing enough. Just when I think it is just me, some mom will make some statement to me that leads me to realize I'm not alone.
It is the balance. My mom had to do it, we all have to. Some mothers do give a little more, some a little less. But we all have to walk a tightrope between showing our kids that we love them so very much and want to be certain they have what they need from us to grow and learn and love and live and showing them that adult life is full of responsibility, difficult choices and competing interests. Chances are my daughters will have to work more than I do. Life is just headed that way.
Sometimes it creeps over into selfishness. Because face it, there is much more gratification to my work with adults than the monotony of the same, "Let's pick up your toys, time to brush your teeth, have you used the potty" that is the routine of mommyhood, day in, day out. But all it takes at this stage for me to snap out of it, is to imagine that they are all gone, all grown, and busy with their lives and don't need me anymore. It pulls it into perspective and helps me find the balance between the things I do for others and the things I do for them.
I'm married to an amazing man who both supports and encourages me to do my little job and also deals with me honestly. He isn't quick to criticize but I have always turned to him to see myself more clearly. He most often tells me not to lament what isn't done and focus on what is. I still struggle here but I'm more apt to say, "It was so busy but everyone's fine" instead of pointing out the floor that needs swept and a sink full of dishes.
This is real life. Full, deep, overflowing. But we are on a journey here. My family is learning, growing, loving. We are doing fine.
4 comments:
I love this, Rachelle.
I'm still figuring out this whole mom/work thing and some days, yikes. My selfishness is really showing. And yet, I'm honestly so much happier working, even part time. I'm a better mom and wife and yes, even housewife. So yeah, it's a balance that I often fail at. Grace is abundant and kids are resilient. Thank God!
I routinely do this: take too much on, and then feel guilty about what I'm not doing. Thankfully Sara is good about supporting me and telling me the truth.
You are an amazing mother! Amazing does not even come close to perfect; but that is good. The imperfections keep us grounded in the reality of life and our need for God's love and grace.
Keep up the good work...and keep writing...you are a very good writer and your words are an encouragement to many.
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