The Cult of Marriage

If it seems odd that a happily married woman spends so much mental energy (which is a scarce commodity at this time of life) thinking about the topic of marriage, you need to understand three things: 1) I married at 32, slightly older than the average age and the "counsel" I received from the Christian community was at times misguided, and at times, downright harmful; 2) I worked with young singles for years and have many single friends who would like to be married and/or have the right to be respected as adults while unmarried, and; 3) I have three children who, at some point, may, or may not, marry.

I recently finished reading Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert which has generated a lot of thought on marriage. Throw in the bizarre books that have come out in the Christian world in the last couple of years that advocate getting married as if it is a Christian duty and this wonderful article by Gina R. Dalfonzo, and my thoughts have been focused once again on the bizarreness of this little pseudo-Christian subculture in America that has absolutely no biblical or historical basis for its beliefs on marriage and parenting.

Recently my reading has caused me to consider that Jesus (God/Man) chose not to marry in a culture that considered the unmarried to be second-class. And then Paul writes that it is better to be single. (1 Cor. 7)  Many of the early leaders of the Christian church took Paul's words to the extreme and discouraged marriage and made sex an evil, evil thing, dirty and disgraced even between married persons. (http://christiansexualethics.wordpress.com/2010/01/17/christian-sexual-ethics-as-seen-through-the-eyes-of-the-church-fathers/) 

In considering God's word as a whole, I have thought that  Paul's statements on marriage may have been a partial reaction to a culture around him that married for reasons other than love.  His statement that it is better to marry than to burn (1 Cor. 7:9) may have been directed toward those couples that were truly, genuinely attracted to each other, body, soul, and spirit. (I'm not a biblical scholar but would be interested to know more on this subject.) When marriage was being propagated all around to strengthen political alliances and fortify financial wealth, proposing this would have been radical. And I don't think one can read the Song of Solomon without recognizing that God seems to be at work in romantic love.

Reading Gilbert's book reminded me that the definition of marriage has changed over time. Marriages were often arranged according to political and business interests; in many cultures men (and sometimes women) could have many spouses.

While I thoroughly believe that marriage entered into rightly by two mature parties devoted to each other is a good and wonderful thing, I am a little down on the attitude that marriage is a state to be sought desperately. When singleness is done right, chastely, with purpose, it is an amazing testament to God and his saving work in lives. Some of the Christians I most admire (John Stott, Corey ten Boom, my brother, and some amazing female friends) have never married. Some of them would like to; and I admire this more. To a culture that says a chaste life is not possible without being "weird" they demand a consideration of Christ and his transforming work.

And then there is this one (also by Dalfonzo) which I wish I could say that I wrote. (Except for the ending which was a bit too cynical for me.) I thought it was such a great reminder of how "Christian advice" about relationships is a moving target, or dare-I-say "evolving" science. Apparently God changes his mind frequently about how he wants unmarried Christians to go about, or not go about, seeking a mate. It is enough to make your head spin. (And that is tongue in check, just in case you couldn't tell.)

I'm increasingly uncomfortable with the parts of American evangelical culture which seem to have absolutely no basis in true Christianity. I continue to believe that in my marriage I live out my faith, becoming better by being in a relationship with someone whose faith often looks much different than mine and by learning about submitting to Christ through submitting ourselves to each other. But I am also aware that my Christian walk while deepened in this way, would have been equally deepened in other ways if I had remained single. And when I watch the ways in which my single friends live in community and hold each other up, I'm pretty impressed. They may have the harder task.

And while I can empathize with those friends who would like to marry and have families, I'm more and more convinced that "pity" is the wrong attitude. As they live their lives fully in the way God intended, they need support, encouragement, and community. But not pity. They will have the selfish benefits of singleness, surely. "Full possession of the remote control," as Sandra Bullock states aptly in While You Were Sleeping. But they will also have opportunities to walk out their faith in ways that I don't have and may never have.

As I raise a son and daughters I pray for their future. If I feel led, I will pray for a spouse for one, two or all of them. But I won't do it presumptively. That may not be the path that is before them. It may not even be God's best for them.