Mercifully Forsaken

I'm borrowing the title Mercifully Forsaken from this excellent article by Mark Galli, which really hit me where I was at in this Lenten season. Lent did not go along with my nicely laid plans to develop spiritually in a certain way. Which seems to happen often for me at Lent, and is most likely the biggest thing God wants to teach me, to quit trying to control the relationship. During our three weeks of sickness (and exhaustion), I found myself thinking often that I don't need healing from the flu to know God loves me. But I so desperately would have liked Him to show me that way. (Dear God, my love language would be please spare us this flu. Ok?) I'm surrounded by people right now who have really focused on physical healing and received some sweet little healings. I'm always tempted to spout back when they overflow with how their knee hurt, they prayed, and voila! they were healed that is nice God was interested in their knee but unfortunately for me, He seems far more interested in my character. (Probably evidence that He needs to be.)

I could feel the conversation with God when the kids and Mike and then, I, was sick. "Dear God, I can't do this. I'm so tired. Can't you give me a break? Please don't let me get this." And then the real kicker: "I can't keep my Lenten prayer commitments if I am cleaning up vomit, and holding crying children."

To which I knew His response: "Dear Rachelle, I love you. But you are pitifully fragile and really terrible about trusting Me to take you THROUGH hard times. Your Lenten commitment was sweet, but REALLY? Is it such a hardship to spend time with Me?"

And so when I was asked to share about my Lent at church during Holy Week I had to share that my Lent hadn't gone as planned, but that I had come away with the distinct knowledge that God was asking me for more of my time. And telling me that much of my frustration with what to say at certain times came from not spending time with Him figuring out what He would want me to say.

I don't EXPERIENCE much of God the way I did as a child and teen and needed to know His presence. He knows I have faith. Now I think He would like me to know Him better. And not by idolizing experiences, retreats, answered prayers, and all of the good things that we sometimes depend upon more than we should. So as I walk into the Easter season, I am grateful for the words Mark Galli wrote that articulated much of what I was reminded of during this season. He is with me, I am not forsaken, but I need to love Him even when He doesn't fill my Easter basket with trinkets.