If life is a journey, I'm on a curve. I'm far enough around to it to know the landscape is going to vary up ahead. But not far enough to know exactly what it will look like.
The last couple of months have been a huge time of introspection for me. I think it comes naturally from knowing that I'm at the end of my pregnancy/childbearing years and perhaps a little from passing that 40 marker. I have a new urgency to figure out who I'm going to be. I've also watched a lot of mothers who have completely lost themselves in their children only to quit being themselves and come out of it later in life a little disoriented. I have realized my marriage and my relationships with my children will be healthier if I can achieve some kind of balance between prioritizing the needs of my family and being faithful to use the other gifts God has given me.
I've been encouraged a lot to continue writing and to seek a wider audience. My husband is my primary encourager (he wouldn't like the term cheerleader). He knows that I have an inherent lazy streak and knows just how to say the right thing to make me very uncomfortable being ruled by it. I've also recognized that I'm afraid to succeed. I know. Weird. But success requires a higher level of commitment, and I'm always afraid I won't be able to achieve that. It also brings a greater criticism. Just today I read an article on homeschooling on FoxNews.com and criticized the lack of sources and perspective. Should I gain a wider audience, more and more people will be exposed to my imperfections. And I secretly doubt my skills are that special.
But thought not that special, they are part of who I am, part of who God made me to be.
This morning I did a phone interview with the Executive Director of ECPAT-USA. I emailed yesterday with two questions and she responded with "call me." I used the whole, I'm a mother writing from home with three children. She treated me like a professional. I heard "off the record" and thought, HOLY COW! I'm functioning as a reporter. I'm terrified. Blogging is small potatoes compared to what I could be doing. Especially because if I actually write something decent, I will be writing about an issue (Child porn and the trafficking of children) that matters. I'm literally shaking with fear right now, afraid to fail in this story that fell in my lap, with just a few inquiries. And more afraid to succeed.
Writing this post is my accountability. A few of you will read this and actually expect me to write something. I need that right now.
My world is getting bigger and I'm quivering.
8 comments:
Please add me to the list of people who read this and expect you to write something. And something worth reading, as you're very capable of.
You can do it! You should do it!!
I can't wait to read it too! Considering what I remember of your output back in VA, and the quality of this blog, I'm suspect this article will be a home run.
(since NFL season is over, I can't use TD, but maybe home run isn't quite right either since the season hasn't started yet. a hockey goal just didn't have the same 'oomph' though, so 'home run' it stays)
For you...
"We ask ourselves,
'Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous,
talented,
and famous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us;
it's in all of us.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
- Maryann Williamson
Honey, you got this! You can do this, and I am looking forward to reading your article! You're a writer, so you will do this and you'll do it well. No pressure, though -- because you're allowed to write the worst crap ever...in the early drafts...and I say that knowing full well that you'll work through the process and make it a work of strong writing.
We need to talk more. I'm gonna respond to your email soon.
I will not only expect it, I look forward to reading it! And no matter what the size of your audience is, if there is one person in your audience who can effectively use your opinions expressed in that article in a positive way (whatever that way might be), that's the point. Use your gift! And trust/ask God to handle the success for you.
Rah, Rah, Rah, Sis Boom, Bah!
Go, Rachelle!!!
I will look forward to reading what you write as well!
Linds post said it well.
And you are very talented. If fame comes, you are strong enough to deal with it. You worked long and hard to get your degree and you continue to grow daily. If this is what you want to pursue, go for it. If not, then find another outlet. There are many out there that could use a dose of your reality and the wisdom you have acquired. I always have your back.
Judy
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