. The subtitle is "Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" and admitting that this was an issue for me was a big step. I read this book over a month ago and I needed to let it settle for awhile before I wrote anything about it. I wanted to think and pray about what was going to be true for me, and what to discard.A month later I'm reaping great benefits from this book. The author is a mom who dealt with anger, who admits to hurting her children (once physically, many times emotionally) until she took on this demon that threatened to undo her family. She researched her problem, reading anything she could find on the subject. She prayed and read Scriptures and sought help from others. And then she started to share her journey and had women coming in droves to her speaking engagements and sharing their stories with her.
So as I reflect on this book, what things stood out as helpful for me?
- Unbury the real root of your anger. I'm still working on this one. I'm not sure there is just one but one thing that has become clear to me is my frustration with some of the changes motherhood has brought my way. I love my children so much, and being a stay-at-home mom is my dream job. But in becoming a mom, my body has changed (not in ways that I like), my mind has changed (I just don't feel as sharp), my freedom (to travel, especially) has been curtailed, and some of my relationships have changed. I have realized in the last month that I wanted my dream without paying a price. And that is not realistic. This was helpful for me.
- Usually one child brings out the worst in you. (And it isn't his/her fault.) You probably know who that child is for me. And I love this child. And I realized this month that the trouble we have comes down to our similarities in temperament. We are headstrong women who have one way to do things and will not deviate from our chosen path. She has a method for unloading groceries; I have a method for unloading groceries. And when they are different, sparks fly. I have started to take deep breaths before reacting and then try to determine when this is a genuine need to dig in and teach her something important and when it really is ok that she has chosen to wear three shirts today and sandals in the rain. Sometimes she is just being 3 (going on 14) and sometimes I can just let her work through her need to express herself in her own way and not be so stubborn myself. As I've implemented this, I've become increasingly in awe of this child's talents. Friends have told me this month some of the beautiful qualities they see in her and I've started recognizing it too. She has amazing potential and I will not stand in the way of it. I will correct her, I will guide her, but if she needs to use my body lotion every day, so be it.
- If you discipline in anger, you have to discard that method and find another. I am not at all anti-spanking, but I have moved it to a last resort of discipline. Ben no longer warrants spanking, Everleigh is too little, and Kyrie needs something different from me. I have seen the "time out" method used so poorly that I didn't respect it much. But turns out it does wonders for Kyrie. Four minutes on a chair drives her to self-examination that wrenches her sensitive little heart into true contrition. I have never achieved this with all my talking at her, or with a spanking, or with a loss of privileges. Amazingly, she rarely argues about time-outs; she'll go to her chair angry and hard and within minutes she usually has tears and usually has a genuine apology at the end of her time. I don't think this method would work for every child but I'm thankful we turned over this new leaf.
She did include a summary of child developmental stages in an appendix that was really helpful too. I can't include it all here but it was helpful to find that Kyri is for all intents and purposes, acting as a 4-year old. She:
- is exuberant, rebellious, stubborn, and prone to lies
- asks "why" in order to argue
- will think up all kinds of excuses to avoid going to bed (that wretched glass of water bit)
- is prone to bad dreams at night
- refuses to hold hands with adults
4 comments:
I love how brave you are!
I've been thinking about this post ever since you wrote it. I probably need to read that book, although I avoid parenting books. Mostly I really appreciate your articulating why it's so hard to accept my life when it's everything I wanted it to be. Boy, am I glad I'm friends with you.
-- SJ
I got the book especially for the child development timetable--I had to admit, it made me laugh at how spot-on it was for the 6yo and 2yos, but sadly, my most maddening child doesn't fit his own age or any other. Perhaps that's why he is so frustrating.
It was good to read just from the standpoint of someone owning up to this. It's so hard to admit when you need to change because you don't want to think you could have a problem in the first place. (I tend to internalize it rather than vent it at the kids, but that's not very healthy either . . . )
Ah, those middle children! I really appreciate this post. I grew up with an angry mother and find myself angry towards my kids too at times, and that's the last thing I want. I was really convicted recently by someone who talked about WHY do we discipline. Is it to mold our child's heart or because of our own pride or convenience? I find when I'm angry it's because I'm disciplining for the wrong reasos. :(. I can also relate to what you say about wanting children without wanting to pay the price!! It's a big price to pay for sure.
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