Cry 'Til You Laugh

alternate title:  Caving to the Golden Arches 

Today was another zoo day. I don't even bother with a camera anymore. There is absolutely no way for me to photograph my children and keep track of all them at the same time.

But today was great because I went with Amy who has older children (6 and 8). Kyri followed Megan and Madison around, which was good; they liked pushing the stroller, which was good. Ben is going through a major growth streak and lives his life hungry and tired and Everleigh was a little overwhelmed by four children in her face. But we enjoyed the zoo and were headed back to the car when we hit our first glitch.

Our zoo has a lovely aquarium with three separate pools that one can view both above ground and underground. There is a tiny and very unreliable elevator, and stairs. The elevator is known to break down and it holds no more than two strollers at a time. I was carrying Ev on my back and so Amy took the stroller (with Kyrie) to catch the elevator. Ben and I took the stairs. Just in the door Amy yelled she was sending her girls on the stairs with me. I stopped; I waited. They did not appear. I assumed they had somehow made it past me and I kept going. Amy arrived. She backtracked and I went forward. We texted each other back and forth. Nothing.

Finally she let me know that she had found them. The younger one had exited the elevator area and told her older sister she was going to throw up. The older instinctively took her and headed toward the bathroom (the opposite direction from either of us). And then panicked when she realized we didn't know what was going on. And stopped. And so their mom found them in a state of panic, with one certain she was going to throw up. (She didn't. That's a long story too but she's fine.)

Meanwhile, I have the stroller with Kyri, Ben, and Ev who is freaking out on my back. So I try to bring her around to the front and instead get her hopelessly tangled. Some nice man is trying to help me without touching me inappropriately and finally yelled at his wife who was just not getting his subtle hints that it might be better for a woman to help me out. And I'm apologizing profusely.

But we packed up, got in the car, grabbed lunch at a healthier choice than McDonalds (a local authentic Mexican place with a drive-thru) and went to get on the freeway. Which is a parking lot. It is now 2:30 in the afternoon. We creep down the freeway with Everleigh getting louder and louder. I pull off the freeway to feed her and discover that she really wanted to have a new diaper. And she would like to play. So I sit her in the front seat and we clean up the back where beans and rice are all over in the car seats and on clothes. Ben is so hot and thirsty he thinks he may die. I'm running the a/c because I'm an idiot. So after everything is cleaned up, Ev has refused to eat AGAIN, I try to start the car. No go. Ben panics. I turn everything off, sit, and pray. And we're off.

Down the side streets as far as we can go. Because in our part of the world there is water and a military base and we can't drive on either. Back to I-5 (or "the parking lot"). Everleigh tells me she's changed her mind about eating. LOUDLY.

We make it 9 miles and pull off the freeway. I try to feed Everleigh and she manages to convey to me at 8 months: "I don't want your milk; I want french fries." Seriously. I knew it. Ben and Kyri knew it. I deliberate.

Then Kyri pipes up: "I have to go potty." So in we tromp to McDonald's. Ben exclaims, "I've never been to a McDonald's bathroom!" which apparently ranks up there with the Taj Mahal. I hold Ev with one hand and help Kyri and then I plunk everyone down at a table. It is a brand-new McDonald's and everything is new and clean and there is a/c. So I put Ev in the high chair, park Ben next to her with instructions to watch her, and go order two kids cones, and french fries.

And look back at my three beloved children. Only one has great strain on her face and I catch the eye of another mother looking at me as if to say, "oh-oh." Kyrie is about to relieve herself. NOW. So I told the counter clerk I'd be back for my food, grab Kyri and tell Ben to stay by Ev and NOT MOVE and off we go to the bathroom. I plant her on the seat and run back to the door to make sure no one is taking off with my sweet children. And back to help Kyri.

And at this point, I am laughing. And wondering how other people do it.

But I'm not other people. And I did make it.

At 4:58pm Kyrie fell asleep in the car. At 5:01pm we pulled into our driveway and I called Mike (who was home) from my cell phone. "Pleaseeee, come help me."

And he did.