The end is here. And rather than finishing triumphantly, I spent a hard, hard day with Everleigh who cried most of the day and decided she didn't like her dad. (He had a hard day too.) I had plans, of course, for rest and catch up time. Neither really happened. And while I was attempting to nap at one point and instead hearing her wails, I started thinking about what it would have been to have been a lover of Jesus on this day, the day after the Crucifixion, and the day before that first Easter morning.
The disciples and other followers had to have been exhausted after the events of the last couple of days. They probably didn't sleep at all Thursday night and now they had disbelief and depression coupled with exhaustion.
I wonder if any of them just slept the day away. That's what I would have done.
We don't have to experience Holy Saturday the way they did. They didn't keep an Easter vigil because they didn't know what was coming. They weren't waiting expectantly. They were probably just trying to cope. Maybe thinking "What now?"
And yet, some of the women were still thinking about their love for Jesus. They were preparing to embalm his body the next day. They were probably good Jews who observed the Sabbath strictly. They probably didn't even start to gather their things and mix their oils until sundown. They were still loving Him, even when they had lost their hope in Him.
Many of those followers were looking for Jesus to save them from the political and economic turmoil of those times. They probably walked away from Calvary (if they made it that far) and didn't look back. But these women really loved Him.
Do we love Him even when He doesn't grant prosperity or when the prayer for healing isn't answered or when the relationship ends anyway? Do we love Him for Who He is and not what He can do for us? I want to answer "yes." I want to love Him enough to follow Him, even to a cross.
These 40 days have been really good. I wanted to go into this season and come out more disciplined. I am not sure that happened for me. I still want to see changes in myself. But, along the way God gave me little glimpses of His love for us.... Several of those times I've written about. One significant one is that a stranger stopped my husband and told him God had told her to pray for him and asked what to pray for. We both really needed to know God cared us about at that time. And we're still clinging to that reminder now.
Tomorrow is a new day. And a new liturgical season. Ben and I have ice cream in the freezer. I won't blog like this every day. The kids and I will still read the Bible and pray together in the morning. And I hope I'm more sensitive to my children. I pray God continues to give me glimpses of Himself in every day life. I know He will. I just hope I'm paying attention enough to notice.
Tonight, to bed. Tomorrow, the empty tomb. I'm ready.
2 comments:
i have appreciated your lenten reflections more than i can say. i will miss your daily blogging like this. i hope your day of celebration tomorrow is appropriately celebratory, despite the fact that it will be in an unfamiliar place.
as to holy saturday back then, i, too, would have been shaken, tear-drained, and probably utterly depressed and asleep, sick to my stomach. i was thinking about that today, actually. we are fortunate to be on this side of the resurrection, i think.
and i'm not sure about my own disciplinary habits, either -- i know forty days is long enough to create new habits, but only if you do them every day. sigh. at least i'm writing more often, and reading good books again, and praying more.
Post a Comment