When you think you're going under....

Parenting has been good for my character. Really. I just hope I don't damage my children irreparably. Because I like control. I like to think I have a handle on my own destiny in this crazy world. Must be a western thing, huh?

All the little mundane things of this week were overwhelming in the moment. Each of the children managed an episode of vomiting. (Well, with the baby it is technically "spitting up" but she manages to get it on everything and it seems like more than polite baby spit-up.) There was a nosebleed, a couple incidents of biting, the ongoing battle to get Kyrie to obey even one command I give her, her sleep issues, and an increasingly disorganized, cluttered, dirty house. And I love holding Everleigh but she does cry when I put her down. Scream, really. I've made peace with the Baby Bjorn and so has she so we can at least feed the other children meals. I can't count the number of times I asked God if I was really qualified to be a mother, let alone a mommy to three. Precious little unpredictable depraved little sweet ones.

And if only these little things would crowd out the bigger thoughts it would be so much easier.....

Things like an earthquake in Haiti come along and I can't even think about it much or I start having nightmares about losing my precious little ones. It is always the same. The car flips into a body of water and I'm desperately trying to rescue my children.

Real tragedy struck with a vengeance this week. It always comes around sometime. And I'm always waiting for it in the back of my mind. I remember the words of my uncle who said after September 11 that as a chaplain he had to deal with people who couldn't believe the world could be so evil. "But we already know that, don't we?" he said to me. I already know that. The world is evil, unpredictable, malicious and heartbreaking.

This week it took a 42-year old husband and father. A man who kept my inbox full of emails about politics and whose passion for life kept him always recommending things to other people he thought would better their lives. I was in his wedding 17 years ago as he and his bride (my good friend) would embark on a marriage that was hard at moments but had become a thing of beauty they were both very proud of. And yes, he had faith in Jesus and eternal life. And I'm glad. But his family needs him now. In this life. And deep down, it is a reminder that no one is "healthy" enough to be immune to mortality.

And then I had an email from someone else asking for prayers for a man in Seattle whose 3 1/2 month old seemingly healthy baby suddenly died this week. And then the same day his wife was killed in an auto accident. Tragedy can't even be limited to one. It can strike twice. In the same day.

And so last night, I asked God for peace and courage to live life boldly. And I asked that my children might have those things and live life without fear. I love life. And today I celebrate it. Even when it's vomiting.