The Five Love Language lingo has been around for awhile and I've been familiar with it for a long time now. I'm not big on pop psychology. Well, that's not true. I love reading about it and speculating but over the years I've grown more and more skeptical about any form of psychology that pigeon-holes a person and excuses bad behavior. It is just too easy.
But lately, love languages have come up in our family. A few months ago Mike hit a very intense period at work where he was working more hours. He wisely comes home and does a lot of work here after 5pm, but he was working downstairs when I was sleeping (or trying) upstairs and suddenly I started having irrational thoughts about his not wanting to be with me. (That I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and feeling crummy already played in big to being completely irrational.) Fortunately, I didn't flip off the deep end and sorted it all out in my mind and figured out I was tired and hormonal. It didn't change the way I felt, but I was able to think rightly. One night I popped out with: "I've realized lately that 'time spent' is one of my love languages." Mike responded with something like: "Uh, yeah. I've known that A LONG time." I still think my primary love language is Acts of Service. I get warm fuzzies when people DO things for me. And when someone wants me to forgive them, it is restitution I want, not words.
But the other big reason love languages has popped up in our family has been in dealing with our kids. They are very two different human beings and the way they need love packaged has really accentuated the differences of late. I'm still working out what Ben's secondary love language is (leaning toward physical touch) but his primary is definitely words of affirmation. He really doesn't seem to need me around, other than to fulfill needs. (And since this is my love language I'm often wondering if he loves his mother.) But he thrives on any words of affirmation. If I tell him he did a wonderful job making his bed, he is much more apt to go in and do it the next day without complaint. I've learned to regale Mike with all the wonderful things Ben did during the day when he comes home from work. Ben just glows.
Ben's love language is sort of a whispered need. Currently Kyri's is a loud scream for help. She has strong needs for both time spent and physical touch. (I hate the term "quality time" because it isn't true for all "time" people. I know because my mom met this need in my life by staying home with me and being there constantly. Quality time gives people the excuse to give carefully measured bits of time and it doesn't work for me, and it doesn't at all work for Kyri. Quantity is just as important to me as "quality." Ask my husband who often hears my request that he at least be in the room with me, even if he is working on something else.)
Kyri comes to me at least twice a day just to be held. Often more. She has taken to coming in to our bed in the morning (we hold her off until after 6:30) and cuddling and sleeping for another hour with both of us. This is a relatively new thing for her; she used to be unable to sleep near us. But it is clearly a need. She needs frequent hugs and kisses and gives them out just as often. She needs to be near me far more than Ben who can amuse himself for hours away from me, and always could.
With a new baby coming, I've been talking to Kyri about how the baby will take a lot of my time and strength but that she will always be my girl and she can come and give us hugs. I'm foreseeing a definite need to carve time out of my day for one-on-one time with her and I'm ready to instigate a father/daughter monthly date night so she can get that time with her dad. With all the things I "do" being over-busy is the thing that will keep me from being the mom Kyri needs. And I have to be thankful to Gary Chapman for helping me see that just because I feel loved when someone cleans for me, it doesn't mean my kids will feel that when I "do" for them.
4 comments:
I get warm fuzzies when people DO things for me.
My husband would love for me to be like this...
It sounds like you and Kyri may actually be more into the "gift of presence" than quality time itself. It's a dialect that I haven't seen too often, except in myself and in Piper. We don't need someone to be paying attention to us (quality time); we're content to do our own thing so long as the one we love is willing to be in the same room. The dialect is actually a subset of "Gifts," rather than "Time."
One thing to remember with the love languages too, is that we each need all of them, and sometimes we need more of one than we need of another. Circumstances and situations affect us differently, and our needs change from time to time. Just a thought.
I was worried about Mikea before the baby came because she, more so than the boys, craves hugs and holding from me. While she's definitely taken the whole "limit-testing" thing up a couple of notches since the arrival of the baby, she's also the most physically affectionate towards him. While the boys will come near with a "Hi, baby" and occasional kiss, she constantly wants to kiss, hug, and hold him. She also tries to squirm onto my lap while I'm holding the baby, and as long as no one's getting hurt, I let her.
I'm thinking more and more that Kyri and Kiki have a lot in common! I'd love to see them hang out together. :)
Darren and I are both Quality Time people, although I like more conversation and Darren's happy just having me present. At home, we're almost always in the same room with each other regardless of what we're doing. If Darren has a choice of getting me a cool gift or taking the morning off work, there's not much contest between which one will please me more.
Addie is Words of Affirmation. She sometimes structures her conversation so that we have to respond with a compliment ("Mama, do you ever feel as if you need an oldest daughter who can help you out a lot?") Stuart seems to be Physical Touch -- at restaurants, he always wants to sit next to Darren, and sits so close that halfway through Darren has to say, "Stuart, sit on your own chair instead of mine, okay?"
Not sure about Daphne, although with her constant conversation and "checking in" to make sure I'm still there, I'm thinking it's another Quality Time. Only with more energy than I have to expend with Darren. :)
Personality categories like this can turn into pigeonholing and excuses, but they can also be very useful. Someone once said that she was a Words person, but her mother was a Service person, and she (the daughter) struggled as a young person wondering if her mother really loved her. When she learned these "languages," she was finally able to see how much love her mother had expressed all those years.
-- SJ
Kevin says he's multilingual--he needs it all! (Well, everything but gifts.)
I agree--Chapman's book is awesome. I heard about the love languages but it wasn't until I read the book that things made sense. I think it's really helpful in all relationships, but especially for the people we live with.
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