Grace-Based Parenting

Grace-Based Parenting is by far the best book I've read on parenting. I always get something out of parenting books, even if I disagree with much of it. But this book helped me pin-point a lot of what my own parents did right and why so many of my friends have struggled so immensely.
I'm always very leery of books that treat kids like computers. If you do this, they'll do this. It all seems like a manipulation game and I've lived long enough and worked with hundreds of teens to know that it isn't that simple. Kimmel realizes that different kids need different things and that parents are individuals with unique parenting styles too. I appreciated this.

However, he identifies three basic needs that every child has:

1. secure love
2. significant purpose
3. strong hope

and then identifies the four freedoms that parents need to give their children in order to meet those needs:

1. freedom to be different
2. freedom to be vulnerable
3. freedom to be candid
4. freedom to make mistakes

When I was reading how to implement these last four I began to have a lot of my questions answered about why some of my friends took the paths they did and what it was that my parents did that met my three needs so well.

My brother was different. (I probably was too, but he was really different.) He was a kid who didn't read until he was much older, lacked social skills (soooo hard to imagine now), and was just a strange little kid. And my parents were determined to let him be that kid. He grew out of (most of) his weirdness. And became a confident amazing man.

I can remember when I was 10 getting thrust into some situations with older kids that scared me to death. They weren't scary from an adult perspective but socially these kids were way ahead of me. Whether it was the boy who kept chasing and trying to kiss me, the one who wanted to "go" with me or the one who wrote me a love note, I was terrified of the whole scene. My parents recognized those fears, allowed me to be vulnerable and removed me from that scene for awhile until I was older, stronger, and more confident.

Our home was always candid. At times I think my parents wondered if they were too candid. They weren't. When my friends were making huge mistakes with their sexuality, I was armed and ready because my parents had been candid with me about their mistakes and had let me candidly ask questions. I had friends who would have dinner with us and say, "You talk about that stuff with your parents?" And my friends LOVED my parents. My house was the house where kids wanted to be. At some point in my late teens I decided I was really weird for talking with my mom about everything. I remember trying to hold back and giving up because I wanted to tell her about my life. Now I realize it was because she always loved me and let me be candid, even when we disagreed.

I made lots of mistakes. They don't stand out to me much because compared to the life-altering mistakes I saw around me, mine were minor. My parents were there to say, "It's ok. You're forgiven. Move on." And I did.

This book actually made me more confident. I naturally parent the way I was parented. My biggest struggle is letting Ben be different. Fortunately, he reminds me so much of my brother, that it helps me see his promise. He's a goofy little boy, but I'm raising a future man.

Thanks Mom and Dad!