from the mom
When I arrived at college, one of the first things my roommate said to me was, "My mom says she made all her best friends in college." In the early days of learning to share space, I think she seriously wondered whether I would fit the bill. But her mom was a wise woman and despite many differences, she is one of my best friends. The only trouble is that she lives 734 miles away. (Does the fact that I mapquested it tell you how much I miss her?)
When I moved back west I entered a new phase of life. I am sometimes unsure if it is the location (is it the rain?), motherhood, or leaving the work force that has led to a frustrating loneliness that rains on my happiness with the rest of life. They all happened at the same time, and maybe that was the problem. Whatever....
My husband asked me recently if I couldn't make new friends. I have made a few, but it doesn't change my longing for my old ones. There are nearly a dozen women scattered throughout the U.S. who know the real me and with whom I can't pretend I'm "fine" when I'm not. Most of them have lived with me which makes a lot of difference. Like most people I can wear a pretty good mask when I need to. (How else would I have survived working college admissions?) But it breaks down in my home. My roommates had to put up with my life on the rocks in various forms. They've gone to the store 20 times for me when I had chicken pox, helped me deal with the grief of someone too young dying unexpectedly, they've watched me cry my way through a broken heart, and helped me deal when jobs turned sour. They know what a horrible control freak I can be, how I can't deal with life without sleep and food, and that I hit a wall with decision-making and make mountains out of mole hills. And yet we're still friends. And now when I'm weary, and really far too tired to explain what is going on with me, they are far away.
Some of them are going through hard things. I want to be there and I feel helpless, immobile.
I'm not friendless. In fact, I'm so blessed with friends that my expectations are out of control. Phone calls help. But they aren't the same as a few tears over coffee. And cyber coffee just doesn't cut it.
I'm doing what I can: a chat with a new friend, and coffee tonight with an old college roommate who needs to talk. She has no idea how much I need to listen. And how glad I am we are close enough to make it happen. It just needs to happen more.
6 comments:
A resounding "amen" from 1,197 miles away.
I guess it's harder to make friends, and so much easier to be lonely, because everyone is spread out. Generations ago, the people you met lived in your general area.
I so understand what you're feeling. And it's not easy to make new friends when you're all grown up, either. Especially when you'd be lots happier if you could just see your old friends!
But it's worth the effort, honest. After all, your old friends know who you were then, but your new friends will get to know who you are now.
-- SJ
Another "Amen" from 2723 miles away!
I really do understand and sympathize. There are many days when I am in the same boat- hey.... let's go sailing (except I get sea-sick!)
R: why do you think I still go
"home" every other year and my girlfriends come here every other year? New friends are wonderful but old friends just need one word and all kinds of memories come to mind and the conversation just takes off. I DO consider you a very special "old" friend & wish I could be there for you.
Judy
I am totally with you there. I don't get seasick, though.
It is harder to make friends now. Of the people I was friends with in high school, there are two with whom we keep in touch, with few calls and e-mails and visits about three or four times a year. From college, there is only one person I'm really still in contact with, and though I adore her and her husband, they now live in Israel.
It was much easier to have intimacy with people in school, I think some of it was proximity, and the fact that we were all busy with pretty much the same thing and didn't have much in the way of other obligations or responsibilities. Unlike you, though, I haven't kept close with many of them. The enduring relationships are the ones that can last our life changes and distance and tough times.
My local best friend moved to Florida about three or four years ago. So, basically, my closest friends are across the state, across the country and across the world. It's lonely.
That's part of the reason I really enjoy our St. Martha's Guild (and is anyone up for a spa weekend, if we split the cost of a suite of rooms?). The distance makes it harder, as you well know.
Part of the reason we thought of you two as godparents for Jerome (and how busy are you this summer, btw?), is because we see you as godly examples and good friends, who share a spiritual outlook and theological stand with us. In a way, we see you in that spiritual role for our other children, as they interact with you, even though they have other godparents. They see you more, and we want to get closer to your family so they can interact with you more. Us, too.
There were a few other people at church with whom we wanted to foster that, but it never grew because of people moving and things like that. Our road trip to CA was so great because it forced five of us into that kind of proximity, and it helped bond and strengthen the friendships we already had. I still wish you could have come with us. The next year with just three of us was also good for that, and my relationship with those two women has grown so much out of it.
The real issue there is the distance, again. I've recently made a local friend, and I am so excited. I was telling Rich how I didn't want to freak her out by being too clingy, as we are both homeschooling mothers and homemakers, and there are a lot of stresses on our lives. Rich and I like both her and her husband, they live in town, and they share our values. Even a quick phone call makes my day better.
So, I would encourage you to reach out to the people around you more. I met this friend through a local homeschool list serv, and never would have known her had I not gone to a mom's night out. Also, you could, you know, call us, and vent at me, or listen to me vent. :)
ps... this post made me miss you so much I got a little misty eyed.
I loved being your roommate, and thank God for our friendship v-e-r-y often.
Love you!
Post a Comment