from the mom
It has been more than 6 weeks since my grandmother's caregivers told her daughters they thought the end was close. She weighs less than 80 lbs, can't keep anything down, and rarely gets out of bed. Over the weekend I started thinking: Will she see April? And then wondered what it is like to be at that point. A friend of my mom's died on her 50th birthday last week and that has probably contributed to the melancholy pondering.
My personality and life experiences make me the kind of person who is always waiting for tragedy to befall. I expect cops at my door with bad news and disturbing middle of the night phone calls. This is probably the result of two family members dying suddenly and unexpectedly in my early 20s. Since then I've noticed I'm more apt to say "I love you" a lot and tell people what they mean to me while I still can.
But I don't think about lingering death much. To be bedridden and wondering when that moment will come....Will I see April?
Yesterday the sermon was on the reality of Easter. There were a lot of good thoughts. But the thing that impacted me is that often a spiritual reality proceeds the physical implications of it. Jesus told the thief on the cross that "Today you will be with me in Paradise." To Western literalist minds, that is a disturbing statement. All orthodox Christian faiths affirm the historic creeds and understand that Christ descended to the dead (hell) to pay the price for our sins (suffering in this life was not enough) and he ascended three days later. Many faiths also believe that the dead are sleeping until the second resurrection. But like many other things, the spiritual reality proceeded the physical reality. To God who lives outside of time they march hand in hand. But to me, they seem incongruent.
Right now we're all as good as dead. The spiritual reality is that we begin to die the moment we are born. At some point the physical reality catches up. And the hope of heaven means that I believe in a spiritual reality that I can't even fathom in the physical world that is the flesh and blood of the world I know.
3 comments:
I think everyone who loves life dreads death. I've noticed that since being married and having kids I've become more fearful of "tragedy about to befall."
I always enjoy your blog. I haven't been feeling up to any "thoughtful" posts lately and you always amaze me how you have thoughtful things to say.
I find the affect of suffering/loss in my life compounding over time as opposed to abating. I have noticed as I settle in to a new community, new job, new friends, etc that my life is tempered with "life is too short not to ___" and to make sure words and deeds are kind and encouraging. Recently I've seen people react viscerally these words/actions and comment on how "few people really understand." Interesting the things God takes us through so we can reflect his love when it really counts...just wish it didn't have to hurt so much in the process!
Will be praying for your family/grandmother during this time.
You and your family are in my prayers. It just seems like yesterday that I lost Mom and Murphy. I now make sure to kiss G. and tell him I love him every time he or I leave.
Judy
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