Tales from the Edge (of Parenting)

from the mom

I have taken to smiling at new parents who think they have figured out any aspect of parenting. For the particularly smug ones I wish on them an exciting second child. Because apparently that is what happened to me.

I thought no. 1 was a challenge. I thought I was sleep-deprived. HA! My firstborn loves sleep as much as I do. No. 2 prefers to only sleep as much as she absolutely has to. Which isn't nearly enough. And yes, we've tried all the tricks, including the ones I am not entirely comfortable with. She can sit in her crib and scream for up to an hour and twenty minutes which is about an hour past my limit to let her do so. But for all those confident believers in letting them cry it out...we've well exceeded the allotted time for testing that one. No go.

Last night her dad tried his latest method. He buckled her in her carseat next to the bed. He read while she tried to talk with him. He finally gave up and took her downstairs. They've been watching a lot of Clint Eastwood together recently.

She is also crazy. She's fallen off the bed (a high one) twice while I was right next to her. The second time my arm was there to hold her on the bed. She went at such an angle that I couldn't twist it around to catch her.

She has discovered that the plastic safety things on the electrical outlets are removable and quite chewy. She likes chewy. She really wants to try out electrocution but a friend told me today about plates to use that require a screwdriver to remove. I'm sure she'll figure out how to use one in a day or two.

She is currently on a quest to see how far down her throat she can get her hand. We'll be driving somewhere and hearing her gagging in the back. Both her father and I try to talk her out of this one but she keeps trying to see what it will take to bring up her dinner. Do they have support groups for the parents of bulemic 10-month olds?

Yesterday the stair gate malfunctioned. I locked her in a room and brought up the pack'n'play out of the basement and put it in front of the stairs. Then I put her in it. She attempted to climb the stair side. "I wonder if I can get over this edge and CLEAR down there?" She spent the next 20 minutes yelling and attempting to get out while her brother went and found a stool and tried to get in.

He LOVES boundaries. He used to sit in his crib for an hour quietly playing when he was her age. I thought that it was nice but now I know: He's weird. He likes to sit on his bed with his blanket. He still takes 3 hours naps. If I'm lucky his sister will sleep for an hour. I never had to cover electrical outlets because he wasn't interested. He just wanted access to the CD player.

Other children have imaginary playmates. Ben has Johnny Cash and Eric Clapton. Apparently Johnny is having a rough time of it. We've been hearing "Poor Johnny Cash" all week.

Bill Cosby has a monologue about how he and his wife decided to have kids because they kept falling asleep. No sleeping their lives away. I can relate. I would like a nap but I'm not sure my daughter would survive it. I have to stay awake to be certain she doesn't find a new path to destruction.