On Gifts

from the mom

In recent years I've had a growing aversion to gift exchanges. It started when I would purchase the required gift for the exchange and in so doing, deplete monies I had to buy gifts for people I really wanted to buy them for. Buying things I wasn't sure the person they were intended for either needed or wanted instead of using money for a need or a want I knew of for someone else annoyed me. But I participated because I didn't want to offend. And quite honestly because it hurt my pride to say that I was poor enough that I was having to cut corners elsewhere. Sometimes I would receive something in the exchange that I could give to the person who'd been eliminated from my gift list. That always helped.

But through this process I started to think about gifts. Christmas is the gift-giving season. It seems to me there are two kinds of givers: present-givers, and gift-givers. I want to be the latter.

Present givers carefully anticipate who will be giving them something and often roughly what they will spend and dutifully reciprocate. They are not usually stingy; they are usually strapped for cash and have some pride. It is uncomfortable to receive a gift and have nothing to give in return. I confess to having a few extra little things on hand some years to give when someone unexpectedly gave me a gift. Most of the time I came up with a lame excuse: "I was going to make you something and I just ran out of time."

It was the gift-givers in my life who made me think a little differently. They were the people who randomly sent something one year when they usually didn't because they thought of something they wanted to give me, or who were particularly blessed one year and wanted to share their joy. My friend Connie sent me fuzzy slippers, two mugs, and homemade hot cocoa mix one year. Just because. Once it was funny socks from my friend Jean. Our friends Rachael and Cliff send us a huge Christmas goodie box with jam and cookies and candies that they have fun making together. I know there is no expectation of return. These are gifts.

The greatest Gift we have received was the gift of the Incarnation. God sent His Son to earth without any promise of anything in return. He did it out of love. He doesn't sit up in heaven thinking "you owe me." (Though you would think the human race could show a little appreciation.)

I confess that I would rather be a gift-giver than a gift-receiver. But over the last year I've done a lot of soul-searching as to why I cringe when someone hands me a gift and I have nothing to offer. And for me it is pride. And often envy. Envy that I am not as talented as some, as financially capable as others, or that I don't have time or energy to do more.

This year I made a few more gifts. Some I gave to people who often make things for me. Others I gave to people who would never have thought of it. I worked hard to really give gifts. I still have some giving I want to do. Things I know would really bless someone. But since I'm out of money, I may just give a gift in April. And that's ok. Because gift-givers don't just give when it is expected. They give when they have something to give.

I vow to be a better receiver. To be thankful instead of ashamed. To receive the same way I would want my gifts to be received. With joy, and no thoughts of needing to reciprocate.

Maybe someday I will participate in gift exchanges again. They can be a lot of fun. But for now I would rather work on really giving. And not panicking that I wasn't prepared when I'm given a gift I didn't plan on.