from the mom
This doesn't seem like a very Valentiney post, but it has been brewing for months now, ever since I read this post on children and chores. It raised some good thoughts and made me think a lot about how to approach housework as a family.
Then recently I was with some wonderful women who love their husbands but just can't understand their attitude towards household tasks. I was intrigued by the commonality we all shared: we were all married to men who failed to notice when the trash needed to be taken out. Okay, it was more than that. But there was a lot of frustration in this one area. Not a bunch of women sitting around complaining that their husbands cheated on them, came home drunk, or gambled away the month's income at the casino. We all wanted more help around the house.
Thanks to the post mentioned above I have come to realize that it is pointless to be frustrated that M doesn't notice that the house is not up to my standards. They are my standards, not his. And the home is my primary domain. He comes home and spends the evening with us. By then I have tried about a dozen times to get to the dusting. I've been interrupted by dirty diapers, runny noses, a hungry infant, and a preschooler who won't nap. It isn't his fault that I've been thwarted all day. And that I have guilt because I think that keeping a clean house is my job and that I'm failing. Those are my issues and not his.
Recently, I've tried to just be forthright about what I need. M is great to donate part of his weekend rest to vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, picking up toys. I often feel like his participation is the result of my failure. But realistically, I have spent the entire day meeting the needs of his children. And asking him to take out the trash is not evil. I'm a wee bit lazy, but mainly just genuinely occupied with getting dinner on the table. And in the last four years, M has not once done an entire load of laundry. He hates laundry. And I make sure he doesn't have to worry about it.
When the state of my house recently threatened my mental health, I had to stop and lower my standards. I will not have young children forever. I don't want them to grow up remembering their neurotic mother but to have some good memories. Like I do. My mom knew that housework would wait and she played games with us and read us stories. I do remember that she would kick us out of the house for a few hours with our dad on a weekend morning so she could work uninterrupted. It won't be long before I can do that, and I'm looking forward to it. And one day soon after that I will be saying, "Ben, take out the trash, and Kyrie, empty the dishwasher and then you both need to help me with dinner."
But until then, I am thankful that my Valentine helps me around the house. Don't blame him if it doesn't meet your standards.
8 comments:
*sigh*
I wish I had a husband who didn't notice when those things needed to be done. Instead he does and then I feel guilty because J2 really won't let me get anything done. J1 is very understanding about this but I rather wish he was blind in this respect. Instead he just feels like its something else he has to do when he gets home.
Did you ever think you'd hear a wife asking that her husband WOULDN"T notice the chores?!?!
I recently stopped in the middle of a frantic urge to clean and asked Darren, "Okay, clutter check: when you look at the dining room, do you think, 'This looks comfortable,' or 'This needs to be cleaned up immediately before I go crazy.'?" He replied, "Looks comfortable and okay to me." For the record, it was a mess. But I realized that I didn't have to work quite so hard to keep things neat, when Darren was perfectly comfortable with askew.
-- SJ
You probably didn't notice, Rachelle, but I didn't say anything when we were all having this conversation...because I'm in the same boat as Carrie. J always notices these things, while I'm happily oblivious to dust bunnies. I'm neat, yes, but not spectacularly clean like the hubby. He has had to relax his standards, and I have had to remind myself that my self-worth, etc., are not determined by 1) how perfect my house is or 2) how perfectly happy my husband is (believe it or not).
I tell myself it will get better when I'm not working 40 hours plus per week too, but we'll see.
K-I thought you were just prudently not talking about your husband, but I'm not terribly surprised. Don't feel guilty; just let him help you out when you're tired. (And it won't change when you're staying home. At least not if you have kids. Sorry!)
S-M is the same. I finally asked if he wanted the toys all picked up when he came home and he said, "Oh, I don't care about that." The problem is that I do. Recently I discovered him cleaning the bathroom. That is when I knew it was really bad. But he doesn't care until it is really bad!
C-M stayed home with Ben for 2 weeks when I was working. I would come home at lunch to feed Ben and M would say, "How do you get anything done? I can't even get dressed." It was very therapeutic for me. Let 'em help! -rlr
Oh, Rachelle, yes things will get better as your children get older. But when that day comes you will LONG for them to be little again. :(
It seems like just yesterday I was anticipating the day my children wouldn't be so "needy". Looking forward to the day when sons could mow the grass and wash the car and daughters would help with ironing and preparing meals. Anticipating the day of the driver's license so "Mom's Taxi Service" could go out of business - or at least cut back on it.
But these wee ones grow so quickly. Trying to juggle everything - house, school, husband, volunteer work, friends, etc. - puts such pressure and stress on a woman, often affectiing her health (both mental and physical). The neurotic mother? (and you're not alone!) I think that is a requirement for all mothers, especially those who choose to educate their children at home and set such high standards for them and their children. Just look at the number of "neurotic offspring" at PHC! But it doesn't have to be that way.
God brought a situation into our lives when the children were very young. This situation caused great stress within our family, tested our faith, and eventually resulted in a great loss for our family.
What I learned through that trial was that God's grace IS sufficient - for every need. Whether it be for cleaning a bathroom, prepraing dinner, or holding a very sick child. Those times in a family's life pass too quickly. Housework will ALWAYS be there, but your children will not. It appears your mother knew this and placed her priorities in the right direction. :)
So the next time you glance over at the coffee table loaded with dishes from yesterday's lunch or a hallway strewn with toys or a garbage can about to erupt like Mt. Vesuvius .... look at the faces of your children. And remind yourself of the blessings God has given. The burdens of every day life will then pale in comparison.
Keep up the good work. Take your cue from M. And enjoy this time in your life. You shall not pass this way again....
Well, I just wrote a comment but I don't think it took. So if this appears twice, sorry!
It's funny you mention that men and women have different standards about house cleanliness because just the other DAY Kevin complimented me on how nice the house "always looks." I wanted to laugh because I had been having very depressing thoughts about my incompetence as a house keeper. I was thinking how horribly dusty everything always is, how all my closets and pantry area are like Dagwood's, how the shower is never clean enough, etc.
What you say is so true! I need to let go a little more and realize that if my husband doesn't see stuff I shouldn't be so harsh with myself.
Okay, weird. I'm not sure why I was logged in as "Kevin." That was Amy who commented above. Weird. :-/
Oh, by the way, I haven't been blaming your Valentine when my house doesn't meet my standards... :)
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