On Motherhood

from Ben's mom

"The day the doctor confirms one's pregnancy is the day to start bracing oneself for the really hard work. (I cannot convince my unmarried friends of this, but, of course, that is as it should be, or many babies would never be born.)" --Nora Johnson, June 1961

When I was single (a state I remained in longer than many of my peers) I had a couple of friends who seemed "clingy" to me. They grasped at my life, my stories, my travels, my job with an interest I didn't fully understand. I couldn't understand why they seemed discontent with their lives at times. I thought that staying home with a few kids, cleaning the house now and then, preparing dinner and lunches, and watching "Veggie Tales" sounded pretty nice.

I ended my professional life just over two years ago. It wasn't a hard decision; even had I not had a child, I would have been looking to leave that job. So the timing was a relief and I was looking forward to staying home, catching up on my photo albums (HA!) and reading for pleasure once again. And then of course there was the precious life entrusted to me.

And it has been a nice life ever since....

So lately I've been a little puzzled at some of my behaviors. When a postcard arrives from far-away (I just received one from Roma and there is one from Le Mont Sant Michel on my fridge) and I fall into a day-dreaming trance, I wonder.

Then my poor husband arrives home at the end of his day of mind-stretching public policy work and I barrage him with questions about his thoughts on any news items of the day and the hot topics of the moment. Anything I've read comes into play and he patiently engages with me on immigration reform, the health care crisis, and the real estate market.

During the day, I do anything I can to sneak in reading from The Atlantic Monthly, Christianity Today, TIME, or Books and Culture.

And so it is.... I finally understand the discontent of the homemaker. I am not discontent, at least as a whole. I made this choice and I still think it the most rewarding job in the world. But I also understand that it isn't the physical demands of motherhood that make it hard. It is the pouring of oneself into a little person to help them achieve all they were meant to be, while still retaining some connection to oneself and to the things that have always defined who you are to yourself. Somedays when you are potty training, coaxing a toddler to eat foods he doesn't want, and doing yet another load of laundry, it seems impossible.

It isn't. The life of the mind is still there and I have simply added something new to the things I define myself.

Yet, MOTHER, encompasses a lot. This is a job from which I will never recover, a title I will never relinquish. It will have some major disappointments. I have picked up new fears simply watching my child on the playground. My time will never FULLY be my own again, though someday I may claim more of it again. But even my mom (who's youngest turns 30 this year) has never fully regained her time. She is still on call if one of us needs her.

My life is richer, deeper, more whole for my family. I made the right choice; I love what I'm doing. (Even now as I head to change yet another diaper.) But I do value my interactions with the "outside world" in a whole new way. And I understand why the young, single, professional seems so incredibly interesting to us stay-at-home moms.